This year, I will find the time...

source

...to read the Qur'an again.

So in the spirit of New Year’s resolutions I decided to reread the Qur’an, something that I have been meaning to do for a very long time now. Instead of making excuses I’m just gonna jump right into it and see how it goes.

I want to read a few translations at the same time just for the sake of good understanding and clarity. So these are the translations that I will read:

1) Yusuf Ali

2) Pickthall

3) Shakir

I've heard they are pretty good and give a rather accurate picture of what the verses mean when combined altogether. I will be reading them here most of the time cause it's just convenient. However, there is also a brilliant website that you can find here which offers many many different translations of the Qur’an and there is also some commentary that comes with it! I will also do my best to read tafsirs as I heard they are important and can give one invaluable insight into the meaning of the verses.

Also, this time I am going to read the Qur’an in the chronological order of revelation cause as far as I am aware the current order is from the longest to the shortest surah. Not sure why but apparently it's easier to keep track of things when you read the Qur'an in the chronological order.

Here you can find a table that explaines the chronological vs traditional order.

Another useful website that I found is quran4u which offers tafsirs in a pdf format. And the last one is the Qur'an Corpus.

Righty! I think I should get down to reading! I will be starting from surah 96.

On being offended.

This post was prompted by a comment left by Sarah on my last post:

Why do you keep attacking a religion that you decided wasn't for you, leave it and move on. It's really annoying the way people like you always try to justify to others your reasons for making your decision. Who cares, just leave my beliefs alone, no need to try to save me or other true muslims from our religion. Sarah

It's not the only comment of this sort that I received since this blog started. Hence, I thought I will briefly post what I think about comments like that.

First of all, I think there is an important distinction that needs to be made between attacking and criticising. I don't think I am attacking a religion, let alone people. Criticising, yes. Criticism is about expressing one's disapproval of someone or something, talking about their faults or expressing judgments about the good and bad qualities of something. If you get your panties in a bunch because of someone on the internet writing something that clashes with your 'Islam is perfect' idea, then it just MIGHT indicate that your idea(s) about Islam are not as watertight as you would like them to be and it's time to revise them. Just a thought.

Even if I am criticising Islam, if you love Islam and feel completely confident of your beliefs, then what do you care what I think about it? 

Secondly, I am of the opinion that religious doctrine is just like any other set of beliefs or ideas out there that are free to be examined and commented on. I have had MY ideas criticised many times in the past. In fact, thanks to such exchanges with others, I changed some of my ideas simply because they showed me the error of my thinking and after doing some research myself I came to the conclusion that I was wrong. I am still alive and I am not even one bit traumatized from such experience. If I can do it, you can do it too.

Also, please learn to differentiate between criticism of an idea vs a person/group of people. 

Thirdly, I think that most of the time people who leave such comments as above have no problem whatsoever with converts broadcasting their conversion via their blogs, facebook, youtube, you name it! Some of them even become 'celebrities' simply because they embraced Islam. It's okay for them to tell the whole wide world why they converted, why their previous religion was just pure nonsense but it's annoying when someone who decides Islam is not for him/her, or leaves the deen altogether gives their reasons for doing so. Double standard much?

Lastly, NO ONE is forcing anyone to read this blog. Everyone who comes here does so out of their own free will. If anyone has a comment, disagrees with anything I write is more than welcome to tell me why he/she thinks I am wrong, provide a counter-argument or bring to my attention things which I might have missed while I was coming to a conclusion on a particular subject. Absolutely! But it's a cop out to simply tell me to mind my own business.

So please, allow me the rights that you yourself enjoy. Thank you :-)

And something to light things up a bit:

Struggling to understand...

source

One of the members of The Council of Ex-Muslims Forum (CEMB) posted yet another brilliant video on CEMB's youtube channel. He explains why he left Islam and bids those who watch it farewell as he is moving on with his life. His other videos are worth checking out as I feel he is being very fair and asks legitimate questions about the faith.

As I stated before, I am still very much interested in Islam as a religion but also in people who are Muslims. 

I have never been an even moderately religious person. Religion for me was a personal matter. First time I had to think about religion was when I met my now ex-bf. I watched loads of conversion to Islam stories on youtube. Most of them by women. I was kind of fascinated with convert stories. Could I become one of them? They were soft-spoken and looked really content. I was wondering where it was coming from, and yes, I wanted it for myself too. 

However, when I started to actually read the Qur'an, hadiths and Islamic websites my fascination turned into asking one simple question over and over again: why? 

Until now I struggle a bit to understand why women convert to Islam. I must have comprehension issues.

Personally, as soon as I found verse 4:34, I was pretty much done. There was no way around this verse. I have searched high and low for interpretations. The apologetic ones seemed stretched. 

I would still read the Qur'an hoping that there is something that would change my mind. But I didn't find anything apart from more 'nails to the coffin'.

I do know for a fact that if you want to believe Islam is the truth, you can do it. You can surround yourself with material that supports your point of view. There is plenty of Islamic websites that simply omit problematic verses and teachings. You are not to find out about them BEFORE you convert. Those who give dawah will not present you verses that might trouble your conscience. There is even a word that somebody coined for such practice: dawahganda. 

Once you invested in your conversion and crossed that bridge, you are let into a secret and are allowed to find out about the less pleasant bits.

I understand that some people before their conversion were led to believe into a different Islam than the one presented to them AFTER they converted. There are plenty of female bloggers who struggle with parts of the scripture and still cling to it as a drowning man will clutch to a straw. Why search far and wide for excuses and preform intelectual acrobatics to explain away things that make you feel uncomfortable? Why not admit that there are problematic areas in Islam, maybe some that are simply irreconcilable with your conscience? Shouldn't it be about what the truth is instead of what gives you warm fuzzy feelings?

Haggling with conscience

It’s been a bit rough recently with literally nothing going according to my plans and wishes. It’s as if the entire world united against me. Yep, I did wonder whether it is God punishing me for my lack of belief and being outspoken against religion. Yep, it is difficult to get rid of such mentality.

Therefore, the entire situation and my frustration invited the case of „what ifs” and „should’ve, could’ve, would’ve”. I stay up at night and think cause I can’t sleep. I swear, my brain can be my worst enemy at times.

I often think what would have happened if I became a Muslim, moved to the Middle East to live my life with my ex-bf. In moments of desperation I think I should have converted. My life would look so much different now. Would it be better? I cannot possibly know that but I certainly wouldn’t be experiencing situations and feelings I am facing now which are a direct result of NOT converting.

I often think whether I really gave it all my best shot. Sometimes I feel like turning up at his doorstep announcing I’m a Muslim now. To try it out for some time in order to see the beauty of Islam that I can’t see no matter how hard I rub my eyes. Maybe then I could see and feel it?

In times like this I recall the moments I did barganing with my own conscience. I tell you people, conscience is a tough negotiator. Actually... adjective ‘tough’ is an understatement. I don’t know about yours but my conscience is hard-nose, unyielding and astute negotiator. You can’t even haggle a pence out of the original price. And if you do something stupid in the spur of a moment, it will remind you of it on every possible occasion.

We finally sat at the negotiating table when I felt that I could not become a genuine Muslim. I just didn’t believe in the Qur’an, there were things in this book that downright put me off. Desperation to keep the man I loved put forward an idea of becoming a fake Muslim, a Muslim by name only. Could I put up a facade of Muslimness in front of others? Sure, I could! I thought to myself. But my conscience presented me with a film of my life as a fake Muslim: full of resentment towards others for not accepting me for who I am but also full of disappointment and contempt directed at myself for not standing up for what I feel is right, and being deceitful to myself and others. My conscience showed me how I would slowly but surely wither away intelectually and internally. I like to think I'm rather strong but there are certain things that could smother my spirit. There would be nothing but a shell left of me. Most likely though, I would rebel. I would fight. It doesn't really matter cause either way it would inevitably dismantle our relationship/marriage.

Even hard-pressed I couldn't say this is the kind of life I wanted for myself...

Stupid little thing called love

I have always had a very idealistic view on love. Probably that's why when it finally hit me, it hit me hard.

I didn't fall in love with my ex, I plummeted in love with him and it felt so damn good! And scary at the same time. I was scared of him to see me the way I am, insecure and vulnerable under the shell of false confidence and cheerfulness. 

I can't remember anyone or anything making me feel so high as he used to. It was him who could make me feel so high on life, it made me think that I don't need or want anything else. Why would I want anything else if I had pure joy and happiness within the reach of my hands? My happiness had deep brown eyes and lush black hair I would run my fingers through… My happiness kept me warm by holding me tightly in its sweet embrace. Those arms and heart that promised to keep me warm and safe, protect against everything. When you hear such promises, you think that you can conquer the world… 

I know those were just moments but at the time it felt that only because of them I could breathe and function normally. Many times I felt like a drug addict, just waiting for another fix to make his/her life worthy of living again. And as a drug addict every fix pulled me deeper and deeper. Every next fix was as toxic and unhealthy as the first one. Desperation creeped in. There were moments when I forgot about self-respect and I'm not proud of it. 

I sometimes feel like a recovering drug addict who wants his fix, who knows that it is so damn bad for him but still yearns for it with every breathing cell of his body… to feel high for a moment… to feel ALIVE…

It seems impossible for me to grasp why I can't be with someone who captivated my heart, mind and soul. It just doesn't make any sense to me. It does get better with every day though.

Maybe that's why a new Rihanna's song and especially intro to the song resonate with me so much:

it's like you screaming and no one gonna hear,

you almost feel ashamed that someone could be that important

that without them you fee like nothing.

no one will ever understand how much it hurts...

you feel hopeless, like nothing can save ya

and when it's over and it's gone,

you almost wish you could have all the bad stuff back, so that you could have the good…

How hell broke loose.

I have long breaks in postings cause as I try to post some of my thoughts about Islam, I read a lot about it from different sources and I get all depressed to the point that I no longer want to write anything. Just don't want Islam or any religion of that matter anywhere near my life.


Besides, my parents have been giving me a hard time due to my rather not-so-cheerful attitude about going to church. I've tried to put on a smiley face and just go, do it for my folks but... Yeah, everything was going according to the plan if it wasn't for my father who decided to be the head of the family which made him put on 'whatever I say, goes' kind of attitude that I loooove so much. A light-hearted conversation about all of us going to church turned into an argument really quickly. An ugly one. 
I heard from my mother that the things I say (and I only said that I don't want to go to church, period) sound as if satan is speaking through me. Frikkin' SATAN! 
My father concluded that if I don't like living in the house so much then I'm free to go. He also came to the conclusion that they FAILED as parents because their child doesn't want to go to church. 


Really? F**king really? A child not wanting to go to church is a failure? I really have to think about doing sth that will make his statement justified such as I don't know... stealing or hurting somebody so that he has to pick me up from the police station or maybe getting locked up in prison would be good enough.
What bothers me the most is that I didn't even tell them that I don't consider myself Christian anymore. On a good day I will say, I believe in God, who most likely doesn't even give a f*** about us. On a bad day, I don't believe in God at all and want the whole world to know. But there is this stigma attached to atheists, agnostics and other people who simply don't know whether they believe in God as if they are some kind of evil incarnated!


It bothers me to know that my parents would likely never accept my non-belief. It hurts me to think that they would think of me as someone evil, bad, with no morals, no consideration for others, deprived of compassion simply because I don't believe. I feel I'm being deemed as not good enough anymore just like in case with my ex (readers are free to believe whatever they want, but I do think religion was the ultimate reason for break-up of our relationship).
Out of all people I would expect my parents to see me for who I really am but I'm afraid it's not going to happen. It doesn't really give me warm fuzzy feelings either. /rant

Hamza Andreas Tzortizs and others on their non-muslim parents.

When I was considering conversion I went on youtube for some quick stories of those who already took this step. It was important for me to know how they approached certain subjects that I found difficult if not impossible to reconcile. There are plenty of convert stories on youtube as they are supposed to be some kind of a proof that Islam is spreading. 

I wasn't a person who thought about religion and God a lot so my research prompted a plenty of questions that I never asked myself. I never really thought of the whole concept of Hell. I didn't really think of Heaven either but simply assumed that if you are a good human being, you will go to heaven. After reading the Qur'an and spending some time on islamic forums I realised that this Hell-Heaven thing is serious business and people do actually fear Hell and dream of Heaven. It wasn't until very late in my research that a very uncomfortable thought occurred. Namely, if I converted and was granted Jannah (Paradise), my parents, as non-Muslims, would go to Hell. To top it up I would be able to see the torment of those in Hell:

Sahih International
7:50 And the companions of the Fire will call to the companions of Paradise, "Pour upon us some water or from whatever Allah has provided you." They will say, "Indeed, Allah has forbidden them both to the disbelievers."

So my parents and dear friends would ask me for water and some food and I would have to refuse... This brings me to a couple of videos I found on youtube.
First one is by Hamza Tzortizs talking about his non-Muslim parents:



The reality is, dear readers, that he willingly accepted totally wicked and twisted ideas that Islam teaches. It's pathology, plain and simple. For a split second I felt sorry for him but then I realised that his torment is self-inflicted and it makes me feel nothing else but revulsion. How can he possibly WORSHIP the same being that is going to torture his parents, who love him very much and he loves them, forever? How can he possibly not see anything disturbing in it? How the hell (pun not intended) can he reconcile the idea of Allah roasting his parents for eternity and at the same time believe he is some kind of pinnacle of goodness and mercy? It's just beyond me. 
Hamza also loved his granddad very much. He speaks about him in this vid:



His granddad, who meant the world to him, fell ill and Hamza decided immediately to go and see him. He says: I have to go and see him. Give him dawah! To prevent him from going to the hellfire!

How can the only thing you can think of is converting the person who means the world to you while he/she is on his/her deathbed? How is it not sick and twisted to have such a thing on your mind when one of your loved ones is dying? Again, how can he continue to worship a being that will torture his loved ones for eternity?

Same question could go to Abdur Raheem Green who on 26th August tweeted: 
Please make dua'a for my father who is critically ill that Allah (SWT) opens his heart to the light of Islam and if he is to die, let him die in a state of eeman. Ameen.


On 2nd October he posted this:
Dear brothers and sisters, May Allah have mercy on you and reward you for all your du'aas which, All Praises due to Allah, have been answered. Around 10 Days ago, my father said the testimony of Faith and a few days ago despite him being barely able to talk we spent half an hour repeating over and over the shahaadah. Last night at 2220 I received a call from my Mother informing me that my Father Passed away. Insha'Allah he died as a person of eemaan. Please continue to make dua'a for him and of course that my mother is guided to Islam.


The idea of him hassling a dying man to convert and making sure he is in the 'right team' instead of catering to his emotional needs... well, it's pathological evil to me.
This highlights how insidious Islam as a religious ideology is. 


And the last video:



That was straight-up cruel and evil of Zakir Naik. I think this lady instinctively knows the sadism and vileness she was brainwashed into but for some reason she can't snap out of it. I would think, people like her should know better...
Hard to believe for most people this is a higher moral stance...

How I was forced to go to church yesterday.

As much as I love my parents, their idea of bringing me closer to God by dragging me to church kicking and screaming makes me go through the roof in 3 seconds. My mother resorts to emotional blackmail and tears enter the discussion very early. My father, on the other hand, uses his most authoritative tone and states categorically that I go to church with them. This is on a good day. 
On their bad day, I am lectured about the virtue of going to church, how I will understand it when I get older and when life kicks my butt because I've had it too good, I'm too young and silly. 
Since they are so experienced and know me so well, I wonder why they can't figure it out that the more they force me, the more resistance they encounter? I told them that many times and once my mom almost got it but she's back to her old ways now.


Because my visits to parental home are most of the time very brief, I do try not to spoil the atmosphere but I do make sure that they know how much I HATE every second spent there. When I go, I actually listen to what they are saying. And man, they say a lot of rubbish! Yesterday, the priest said that suffering gives our life a meaning and without great suffering we cannot enter heaven (what a sick idea!). I wondered what he knows about suffering, he who has it all given to him on a plate, served by a maid. What does he know about suffering of those who die of starvation; those in great pain caused by terminal diseases or born disabled etc. The man has the nerve to tell you that suffering is good for you! Pff! And the entire congregation sits there like mindless drones listening to such rubbish!
There were other things he said but I was so angry I had to be there listening to such bollocks that I forgot :P


The only good thing was the collection of money they organised for poor but talented and promising young people who simply cannot afford secondary education or college/university. We donated ourselves as also many other people. I don't want to google to know more about this action as it might turn out that not all the money goes to those kids. But good initiative nevertheless.

Update

It's been a while since I updated this blog. I've been busy moving back to my home country and wrapping things up at work before leaving. There were some errands to run before leaving the country like terminating my gym membership, phone, bank account etc.
My friend from there went with me to the airport and waited until I got through security. It was very sweet of her to do it for me :'-) We went for something to eat before my flight and I must say that I was very saddened to be parting with her. If it wasn't for her and a handful of other people, my stay there would have been very difficult. 


I also managed to get a job interview in UK, a couple of days after my flight home, which meant I had to repack and off I went! I stayed with my friend, the weather was gorgeous and I enjoyed myself tremendously :-) It was brilliant to be surrounded by people speaking proper English but most importantly being able to understand everything happening around me. I was very busy during those couple of days.


During the past month I did sit down a couple of times trying to write but whenever I did, I just couldn't put my thoughts into words. When I'm out and about, I think of things I could write about and actually construct whole sentences and paragraphs but as soon as I'm in front of the computer staring at a blinking cursor words just don't come to me. Another thing is that I don't have a comfortable space back in my parents' place plus internet is rubbish. 


As for me and my personal life. Let's just say, it's been a little bit of an emotional roller-coaster. I've had better days when I felt I'm completely over him and I don't love him anymore, and I also had those pitiful days when longing for him was too much to bare. 
There is a rational and emotional side to my situation. When I think rationally, I can bring myself to dignified state in no time. I'm not stupid, I'm aware of all the complications, I can recite a list of things that should make me get over him in 3 seconds. However, I'm an emotional person, very sensitive too, even over-sensitive and I can only keep the sensible and unemotional side ruling for a very short time. 
Every single bloody day I'm fighting with myself, it's exhausting. I'm tired of it. I want to be over and done but this man seems to have such a great pull on me... So my struggle continues but I will be writing about it less. There is nothing left to say, I know the situation and I know the outcome. The only thing left to do is for me to get a bloody grip!

Anger and resentment

I have been feeling pretty angry and resentful for the past couple of months, to say the least.
I am really tired of it. I want to move on, be happy with the life I have cause really there is nothing to bitch and moan about. I find it drains my energy and is not a productive power in my life in general, but for some reason I cannot let it go so easily.


My friend told me that there are stages one comes through when dealing with a break-up. I feel like I have been going to and fro between anger and acceptance. The thing is that according to me, we didn't really want to part our ways if it wasn't for religion. So there was this third and deciding factor that broke us up. I think it would be difficult for us no matter which way we took. This doesn't change the fact that I'm not so much angry at him as I'm angry with Islam (please note - not with Muslims).


It's easier for me to absolve my ex from responsibility because he didn't choose what he believes in. It was drilled and spoon-fed to him since he was a kid. It's coupled with images of hell fire and eternal torture he will have to endure if he disbelieves. This is NOT free choice. If someone holds a gun next to your head and asks you to do something, you wouldn't call it free choice, would you?


I have spent months trying to understand his mindset and where he was coming from. On one hand I understand his reasoning and on the other hand I don't because knowing how intelligent and bright he is, I would expect him to see through the bullshit, stop for a second and think. Think about what it means to us a couple, see implications of his thinking. He didn't even take time to consider for a second that he might be wrong, his attitude harmful, divisive and unfair.


I might regret for putting it out there but I do feel a lot of anger and resentment towards Islam, and other religions for that matter (my conversations on the topic of religion do not go down well with my mom).


I resent it for making my ex and some people see in binary terms: Muslims vs. non-muslims, and consequently lumping groups of people into the same sack simply due to their beliefs or lack thereof.
I resent it for making people 'love and hate for the sake of Allah'.

I resent Islam for what it made my ex think about me, about my family, for making me unacceptable to his family simply because they could not love or live under one roof with a non-believer (his words).
I resent it for putting me and him on a hostile footing. He wouldn't have had such ideas about me, my family if it wasn't for Islam.
I resent Islam for tearing us apart as a couple.


No, I DON'T hate Islam. I resent it cause I believe it treated me unfairly. It's more sadness and resignation than hate.
I believe that rejecting an individual purely on the basis of their religious affiliation or lack thereof IS unfair. Rejecting an individual simply because your religion tells you so IS unfair. To be rejected by a stranger is one thing, but to hear "I love you more than myself and I can't live without you but I can't be with you cause you are not Muslim" is whole new level of rejection. 



That's why I do think I have a right to have some grievances towards the religion, NOT the people/Muslims as a whole.
How different people choose to conceptualise certain ideas is what makes them different. I do try my best approaching everyone on an individual basis without prior prejudice and I would like to be treated the same.
I don't want this bad experience to spill into my relations with people but I must say that having been interacting with Muslims and believers (some in RL, some on the internet) it seems that they have the exact same opinion about non-believers as my ex had. And I don't think it's a coincidence. It MUST be coming from somewhere...


Does it hurt me? Yes, it does hurt me a great deal. Even more because I haven't received any reasonable answers from him. My arguments were immediately dismissed as not valid without giving any reason whatsoever.
Why do I care? Why am I still dwelling on this? Because I don't like being treated unfairly. I also see implications of such attitude on a bigger scale. What happened to me is nothing, but if you think of thousands of people, it changes the perspective. 


I apologise if I offended anyone. However, this blog is for me to deal with my experiences that had a major impact on the past 2 years of my life. It's a way of verification of conclusions that I arrived at or changing my opinions when necessary.

I don't want to hold on to my anger and resentment anymore. It's been too long and it's high time to let it go... 

Friendship.

I'm having another couple of days of being deep down in the dumps. Plus, I have a cold.


I replied to my ex saying that I don't want to be friends because first of all it's all or nothing for me. That if I can't be his everything, then I will have to be his nothing. But most importantly that I didn't want to be friends with him cause he hurt me too much, at times even felt as if he destroyed me.


Email I got back wasn't a surprise at all. I was back to being evil for writing what I wrote. And it wasn't him who caused me so much pain but my pride and hatred.

But anyways, we exchanged a couple of more text messages and well, it seems to me he is really short of friends... What I find weird is that he always turns to me when everyone else has left. And judging from what he wrote, he is in some serious trouble. I don't know the details but he said his family is giving him a really hard time to the point he's frantically looking for a place on his own. He mentioned a couple of other things always coupled with how much he wishes I don't have to endure the same he does.


I do care about him but I cannot be his friend cause I know he will only use me whenever he needs and as soon as my job is done, I won't hear from him again. Treating me somewhat as someone who is disposable. 
I would like to help him, talk to him and at least listen to him but I know it's going to be toxic for me and for that reason I cannot do it. Besides, I'm still very much angry at him and resentful because of the things he said and thinks of me. I feel I've been unfairly rejected and it still hurts.


I know I need to forgive him to move on but for some reason I can't let go of all my anger.
I'm working on being a bigger person and just letting it go, and I think I'm closer than ever to achieving it. May this be a start for me to achieve inner peace.

This is beyond ridiculous!

I really thought that my ex had exhausted ways of showing how hypocritical he is but man, I was wrong!


He fancies himself as a Muslim man trying to do his best in his deen. He loves Allah, Muhammad, believes in the Qur'an and the Day of Judgement. He must think that makes him superior to others when it comes to character. In reality, the man has got no integrity whatsoever. I think he passed the point of no return.


I received an email from him on Wednesday where he expressed his desire to recover our friendship, and that he would cherish it.
Being me - an internet savvy little stalker - I checked out his twitter (which I haven't done in months) and what do I see? A tweet in Arabic who a friend of mine translated for me cause google translate didn't do a good job at all. A tweet that reads something along the lines:


"Do not frequently praise the one you love..And do not befriend/follow someone who doesn't obey his God.. don't go easy on others, don't overreact and under react. And when you become depressed, then get up, pray and do takbeer" [takbeer is saying "Allahu akbar"]


A tweet only one week old! And do not befriend/follow someone who doesn't obey his God... Well, that would be me! Hello?! I do not obey God so by his own standards he is not supposed to be befriending me. What is he doing sending me an email and wanting to be friends? Hypocrisy much? Seriously! When is he gonna practice what he preaches? *le sigh*

Here we go again!

Yes, my ex is on a roll... again! I checked my email yesterday and I saw a message from him! At first I thought I was going to faint and wasn't sure whether I even want to see the content of his email but curiosity won.


He said it didn't work out for us and it was sad. He apologized if he hurt me, he had a rough time himself. But it all happened and it's over (really, dude? really?).


"This email is purely to recover some bits of friendship, nothing more.
It's stupid that we would still have hard feelings. I won't lie and say "I don't care about u", cuz I do care and I would cherish our friendship."


Oh so he wants to be friends! Hey! No hard feelings, right? Why hard feelings? I only broke your heart to millions of pieces, wasted 2 years of your life, made you cry your eyes out, made you feel worthless, not adequate, not good enough, empty and numb. I also made you think you will never love anyone again. I am the one responsible for your sleepless nights, for you not wanting to get out of bed and making you physically sick...
Hey! Come on, show must go on! Let's be friends!
You will cherish our friendship? You stamped all over our love, but you will cherish our friendship? Really? Cherish my ass!


He knows very well that I'm not a middle road kind of a person. It's either everything or nothing. If I can't be his everything, then I will be his nothing. But most importantly, I don't want to be friends with him.
So how about: fuck you and fuck off*!
Seriously...











*please excuse my language but this kind of situation simply calls for it.

Almost ABC :)

I was tagged by a fellow blogger Under the Abaya (make sure to check it out and chip in your thoughts :) ) to fill in this short Abc about myself. So here it goes :-)

A

– Available: Always to my friends. 

– Age: 25

– Animals: I love them all! 

B

– Beer: My acquired taste.

– Best friends: I have a handful of very good friends. The type I can call at 3am.

– Body Part on opposite sex: Hands, eyes and shoulders/arms.

– Best feeling in the world: Loving someone and being loved back.

– Best weather: clear blue sky, sunny, light breeze, I would say... 27 degrees

– Been in Love: Yes

– Been on stage: A couple of times. Hated it with passion.

– Believe in Magic: Yeah... kinda ;-)

– Believe in Santa: Nope but he is a perfect excuse to treat my family sth extra!

– Brand: Clothes - Zara, H&M, Oasis, New Look.

C

– Candy: chocolate, nougat and toffee. throw in some nuts too!

– Color: Nudes and natural colours. I like royal blue and plum. Dislike candy pink very much.

– Chocolate/Vanilla: chocolate

- Chinese/Indian/Italian: Indian won over Chinese

- Cake or pie: It depends. Being a sweet tooth I will have both :)

– Cheese: Love cheese! All types! I'm a cheese monster ;-)

D

– Day or Night: A bit of both.

– Dancing in the rain: Fun

E

– Eyes: Greenish/blueish/grayish with a splash of brown. 

– Ever failed a class?: Nope. 

– Enemies: I am not sure. Probably but I don't care.

– Exercise: Yes, try to do it on a regular basis. Currently gym and swimming a few times a week.

F

– First thoughts waking up: Blooody hell! ;-)

– Food: Love food, love to eat it and prefer baking over cooking.

G

– Greatest Fear: Ending up alone with no one to share my life with.

– Get along with your parents: Yes, very well. Especially my mom

H

– Hair Color:  Dark brown

– Happy: me <----------------------> happy

                            (pretty far)

– Holiday: would love to go! need it and I need it soon!

I

– Ice Cream: Ben and Jerry's half baked, nom nom nom!

J

– Jewelry: I wear it occasionally

– Job: Full time, soon to be unemployed :(

K

– Kids: I don't have any and not planning to have biological kids. I would like to adopt

– Kickboxing or karate: Haven't tried but would like to.

– Keep a journal?: No but this blog counts to certain extent I guess.

L

– Love: pain, heartbreak but also the meaning and purpose of my life 

– Laughed so hard you cried: yep, just a week ago when my friends were visiting :-)

M

- Milk flavor: plain will do just fine. I like soya milk very much.

– Movies: Used to watch loads. Mental note: must get back to watching films.

– Motion sickness: Yes, strikes me randomly.

N

– Number: 4 and 8

O

– One wish: People putting aside their differences and uniting to make this world a better place.

P

– Perfect Pizza: any :D

– Pepsi/Coke: doesn't matter as long as it's diet

– Perfume/Cologne: I like heavy perfume, oriental notes, oud. I also love men's fragrances. Creed Silver and Chanel Allure would be my fav.

Q

– Quail: not sure what to answer..

R

– Reason to cry: Broken heart, disappointment, being let down.

– Reality T.V: Never watched it, don't like it.

– Radio Station: Rarely listen to it. They can make me hate songs that I love.

S

– Song: Sade - Bulletproof Soul (I LOVE this woman!)

– Shoe size: 7 UK

– Salad Dressing: have a few in my cabinet at work ;-)

– Skinny dip: naah, I will pass

– Strawberries/Blueberries: Blueberries

– Sport: Not a big fan of watching. Try to do sth regularly myself.

- Sex: Female

T

– Tattoos?: No. As I get older it seems it's not a good idea.

– Thunderstorms: Make me anxious. 

U

– Unpredictable: Yep. That's me.

V

– Vacation spot(s): anywhere in the world. Would love to see the entire Scandinavia properly and Middle East.

W

– Weakness: don't get me started... too emotional.

– Who makes you laugh the most: no one/nothing in particular. Depends on circumstances.

– Worst Weather?: Grey sky and rain pouring down.

X

– X-Rays: had them done a few times.

Y

-Year it is now: 2011

-Yellow: Pages.

Z

– Zoo animal: like them all in their natural habitat. Zoo? I don't like and don't go. Their sight breaks my heart.

Phew! That would be it! I would like to tag Safiyah, Marie from the Colour of our Skin and Usagi. Hope they have fun filling it in :)

Thanks for stopping by and have a good day everyone!