When I was considering conversion I went on youtube for some quick stories of those who already took this step. It was important for me to know how they approached certain subjects that I found difficult if not impossible to reconcile. There are plenty of convert stories on youtube as they are supposed to be some kind of a proof that Islam is spreading. I wasn't a person who thought about religion and God a lot so my research prompted a plenty of questions that I never asked myself. I never really thought of the whole concept of Hell. I didn't really think of Heaven either but simply assumed that if you are a good human being, you will go to heaven. After reading the Qur'an and spending some time on islamic forums I realised that this Hell-Heaven thing is serious business and people do actually fear Hell and dream of Heaven. It wasn't until very late in my research that a very uncomfortable thought occurred. Namely, if I converted and was granted Jannah (Paradise), my parents, as non-Muslims, would go to Hell. To top it up I would be able to see the torment of those in Hell: Sahih International 7:50 And the companions of the Fire will call to the companions of Paradise, "Pour upon us some water or from whatever Allah has provided you." They will say, "Indeed, Allah has forbidden them both to the disbelievers." So my parents and dear friends would ask me for water and some food and I would have to refuse... This brings me to a couple of videos I found on youtube. First one is by Hamza Tzortizs talking about his non-Muslim parents:
The reality is, dear readers, that he willingly accepted totally wicked and twisted ideas that Islam teaches. It's pathology, plain and simple. For a split second I felt sorry for him but then I realised that his torment is self-inflicted and it makes me feel nothing else but revulsion. How can he possibly WORSHIP the same being that is going to torture his parents, who love him very much and he loves them, forever? How can he possibly not see anything disturbing in it? How the hell (pun not intended) can he reconcile the idea of Allah roasting his parents for eternity and at the same time believe he is some kind of pinnacle of goodness and mercy? It's just beyond me. Hamza also loved his granddad very much. He speaks about him in this vid:
His granddad, who meant the world to him, fell ill and Hamza decided immediately to go and see him. He says: I have to go and see him. Give him dawah! To prevent him from going to the hellfire! How can the only thing you can think of is converting the person who means the world to you while he/she is on his/her deathbed? How is it not sick and twisted to have such a thing on your mind when one of your loved ones is dying? Again, how can he continue to worship a being that will torture his loved ones for eternity? Same question could go to Abdur Raheem Green who on 26th August tweeted: Please make dua'a for my father who is critically ill that Allah (SWT) opens his heart to the light of Islam and if he is to die, let him die in a state of eeman. Ameen.
On 2nd October he posted this: Dear brothers and sisters, May Allah have mercy on you and reward you for all your du'aas which, All Praises due to Allah, have been answered. Around 10 Days ago, my father said the testimony of Faith and a few days ago despite him being barely able to talk we spent half an hour repeating over and over the shahaadah. Last night at 2220 I received a call from my Mother informing me that my Father Passed away. Insha'Allah he died as a person of eemaan. Please continue to make dua'a for him and of course that my mother is guided to Islam.
The idea of him hassling a dying man to convert and making sure he is in the 'right team' instead of catering to his emotional needs... well, it's pathological evil to me. This highlights how insidious Islam as a religious ideology is.
And the last video:
That was straight-up cruel and evil of Zakir Naik. I think this lady instinctively knows the sadism and vileness she was brainwashed into but for some reason she can't snap out of it. I would think, people like her should know better... Hard to believe for most people this is a higher moral stance...
As much as I love my parents, their idea of bringing me closer to God by dragging me to church kicking and screaming makes me go through the roof in 3 seconds. My mother resorts to emotional blackmail and tears enter the discussion very early. My father, on the other hand, uses his most authoritative tone and states categorically that I go to church with them. This is on a good day. On their bad day, I am lectured about the virtue of going to church, how I will understand it when I get older and when life kicks my butt because I've had it too good, I'm too young and silly. Since they are so experienced and know me so well, I wonder why they can't figure it out that the more they force me, the more resistance they encounter? I told them that many times and once my mom almost got it but she's back to her old ways now.
Because my visits to parental home are most of the time very brief, I do try not to spoil the atmosphere but I do make sure that they know how much I HATE every second spent there. When I go, I actually listen to what they are saying. And man, they say a lot of rubbish! Yesterday, the priest said that suffering gives our life a meaning and without great suffering we cannot enter heaven (what a sick idea!). I wondered what he knows about suffering, he who has it all given to him on a plate, served by a maid. What does he know about suffering of those who die of starvation; those in great pain caused by terminal diseases or born disabled etc. The man has the nerve to tell you that suffering is good for you! Pff! And the entire congregation sits there like mindless drones listening to such rubbish! There were other things he said but I was so angry I had to be there listening to such bollocks that I forgot :P
The only good thing was the collection of money they organised for poor but talented and promising young people who simply cannot afford secondary education or college/university. We donated ourselves as also many other people. I don't want to google to know more about this action as it might turn out that not all the money goes to those kids. But good initiative nevertheless.
It's been a while since I updated this blog. I've been busy moving back to my home country and wrapping things up at work before leaving. There were some errands to run before leaving the country like terminating my gym membership, phone, bank account etc. My friend from there went with me to the airport and waited until I got through security. It was very sweet of her to do it for me :'-) We went for something to eat before my flight and I must say that I was very saddened to be parting with her. If it wasn't for her and a handful of other people, my stay there would have been very difficult.
I also managed to get a job interview in UK, a couple of days after my flight home, which meant I had to repack and off I went! I stayed with my friend, the weather was gorgeous and I enjoyed myself tremendously :-) It was brilliant to be surrounded by people speaking proper English but most importantly being able to understand everything happening around me. I was very busy during those couple of days.
During the past month I did sit down a couple of times trying to write but whenever I did, I just couldn't put my thoughts into words. When I'm out and about, I think of things I could write about and actually construct whole sentences and paragraphs but as soon as I'm in front of the computer staring at a blinking cursor words just don't come to me. Another thing is that I don't have a comfortable space back in my parents' place plus internet is rubbish.
As for me and my personal life. Let's just say, it's been a little bit of an emotional roller-coaster. I've had better days when I felt I'm completely over him and I don't love him anymore, and I also had those pitiful days when longing for him was too much to bare. There is a rational and emotional side to my situation. When I think rationally, I can bring myself to dignified state in no time. I'm not stupid, I'm aware of all the complications, I can recite a list of things that should make me get over him in 3 seconds. However, I'm an emotional person, very sensitive too, even over-sensitive and I can only keep the sensible and unemotional side ruling for a very short time. Every single bloody day I'm fighting with myself, it's exhausting. I'm tired of it. I want to be over and done but this man seems to have such a great pull on me... So my struggle continues but I will be writing about it less. There is nothing left to say, I know the situation and I know the outcome. The only thing left to do is for me to get a bloody grip!
