Haggling with conscience

It’s been a bit rough recently with literally nothing going according to my plans and wishes. It’s as if the entire world united against me. Yep, I did wonder whether it is God punishing me for my lack of belief and being outspoken against religion. Yep, it is difficult to get rid of such mentality.

Therefore, the entire situation and my frustration invited the case of „what ifs” and „should’ve, could’ve, would’ve”. I stay up at night and think cause I can’t sleep. I swear, my brain can be my worst enemy at times.

I often think what would have happened if I became a Muslim, moved to the Middle East to live my life with my ex-bf. In moments of desperation I think I should have converted. My life would look so much different now. Would it be better? I cannot possibly know that but I certainly wouldn’t be experiencing situations and feelings I am facing now which are a direct result of NOT converting.

I often think whether I really gave it all my best shot. Sometimes I feel like turning up at his doorstep announcing I’m a Muslim now. To try it out for some time in order to see the beauty of Islam that I can’t see no matter how hard I rub my eyes. Maybe then I could see and feel it?

In times like this I recall the moments I did barganing with my own conscience. I tell you people, conscience is a tough negotiator. Actually... adjective ‘tough’ is an understatement. I don’t know about yours but my conscience is hard-nose, unyielding and astute negotiator. You can’t even haggle a pence out of the original price. And if you do something stupid in the spur of a moment, it will remind you of it on every possible occasion.

We finally sat at the negotiating table when I felt that I could not become a genuine Muslim. I just didn’t believe in the Qur’an, there were things in this book that downright put me off. Desperation to keep the man I loved put forward an idea of becoming a fake Muslim, a Muslim by name only. Could I put up a facade of Muslimness in front of others? Sure, I could! I thought to myself. But my conscience presented me with a film of my life as a fake Muslim: full of resentment towards others for not accepting me for who I am but also full of disappointment and contempt directed at myself for not standing up for what I feel is right, and being deceitful to myself and others. My conscience showed me how I would slowly but surely wither away intelectually and internally. I like to think I'm rather strong but there are certain things that could smother my spirit. There would be nothing but a shell left of me. Most likely though, I would rebel. I would fight. It doesn't really matter cause either way it would inevitably dismantle our relationship/marriage.

Even hard-pressed I couldn't say this is the kind of life I wanted for myself...

Stupid little thing called love

I have always had a very idealistic view on love. Probably that's why when it finally hit me, it hit me hard.

I didn't fall in love with my ex, I plummeted in love with him and it felt so damn good! And scary at the same time. I was scared of him to see me the way I am, insecure and vulnerable under the shell of false confidence and cheerfulness. 

I can't remember anyone or anything making me feel so high as he used to. It was him who could make me feel so high on life, it made me think that I don't need or want anything else. Why would I want anything else if I had pure joy and happiness within the reach of my hands? My happiness had deep brown eyes and lush black hair I would run my fingers through… My happiness kept me warm by holding me tightly in its sweet embrace. Those arms and heart that promised to keep me warm and safe, protect against everything. When you hear such promises, you think that you can conquer the world… 

I know those were just moments but at the time it felt that only because of them I could breathe and function normally. Many times I felt like a drug addict, just waiting for another fix to make his/her life worthy of living again. And as a drug addict every fix pulled me deeper and deeper. Every next fix was as toxic and unhealthy as the first one. Desperation creeped in. There were moments when I forgot about self-respect and I'm not proud of it. 

I sometimes feel like a recovering drug addict who wants his fix, who knows that it is so damn bad for him but still yearns for it with every breathing cell of his body… to feel high for a moment… to feel ALIVE…

It seems impossible for me to grasp why I can't be with someone who captivated my heart, mind and soul. It just doesn't make any sense to me. It does get better with every day though.

Maybe that's why a new Rihanna's song and especially intro to the song resonate with me so much:

it's like you screaming and no one gonna hear,

you almost feel ashamed that someone could be that important

that without them you fee like nothing.

no one will ever understand how much it hurts...

you feel hopeless, like nothing can save ya

and when it's over and it's gone,

you almost wish you could have all the bad stuff back, so that you could have the good…

How hell broke loose.

I have long breaks in postings cause as I try to post some of my thoughts about Islam, I read a lot about it from different sources and I get all depressed to the point that I no longer want to write anything. Just don't want Islam or any religion of that matter anywhere near my life.


Besides, my parents have been giving me a hard time due to my rather not-so-cheerful attitude about going to church. I've tried to put on a smiley face and just go, do it for my folks but... Yeah, everything was going according to the plan if it wasn't for my father who decided to be the head of the family which made him put on 'whatever I say, goes' kind of attitude that I loooove so much. A light-hearted conversation about all of us going to church turned into an argument really quickly. An ugly one. 
I heard from my mother that the things I say (and I only said that I don't want to go to church, period) sound as if satan is speaking through me. Frikkin' SATAN! 
My father concluded that if I don't like living in the house so much then I'm free to go. He also came to the conclusion that they FAILED as parents because their child doesn't want to go to church. 


Really? F**king really? A child not wanting to go to church is a failure? I really have to think about doing sth that will make his statement justified such as I don't know... stealing or hurting somebody so that he has to pick me up from the police station or maybe getting locked up in prison would be good enough.
What bothers me the most is that I didn't even tell them that I don't consider myself Christian anymore. On a good day I will say, I believe in God, who most likely doesn't even give a f*** about us. On a bad day, I don't believe in God at all and want the whole world to know. But there is this stigma attached to atheists, agnostics and other people who simply don't know whether they believe in God as if they are some kind of evil incarnated!


It bothers me to know that my parents would likely never accept my non-belief. It hurts me to think that they would think of me as someone evil, bad, with no morals, no consideration for others, deprived of compassion simply because I don't believe. I feel I'm being deemed as not good enough anymore just like in case with my ex (readers are free to believe whatever they want, but I do think religion was the ultimate reason for break-up of our relationship).
Out of all people I would expect my parents to see me for who I really am but I'm afraid it's not going to happen. It doesn't really give me warm fuzzy feelings either. /rant

Update

It's been a while since I updated this blog. I've been busy moving back to my home country and wrapping things up at work before leaving. There were some errands to run before leaving the country like terminating my gym membership, phone, bank account etc.
My friend from there went with me to the airport and waited until I got through security. It was very sweet of her to do it for me :'-) We went for something to eat before my flight and I must say that I was very saddened to be parting with her. If it wasn't for her and a handful of other people, my stay there would have been very difficult. 


I also managed to get a job interview in UK, a couple of days after my flight home, which meant I had to repack and off I went! I stayed with my friend, the weather was gorgeous and I enjoyed myself tremendously :-) It was brilliant to be surrounded by people speaking proper English but most importantly being able to understand everything happening around me. I was very busy during those couple of days.


During the past month I did sit down a couple of times trying to write but whenever I did, I just couldn't put my thoughts into words. When I'm out and about, I think of things I could write about and actually construct whole sentences and paragraphs but as soon as I'm in front of the computer staring at a blinking cursor words just don't come to me. Another thing is that I don't have a comfortable space back in my parents' place plus internet is rubbish. 


As for me and my personal life. Let's just say, it's been a little bit of an emotional roller-coaster. I've had better days when I felt I'm completely over him and I don't love him anymore, and I also had those pitiful days when longing for him was too much to bare. 
There is a rational and emotional side to my situation. When I think rationally, I can bring myself to dignified state in no time. I'm not stupid, I'm aware of all the complications, I can recite a list of things that should make me get over him in 3 seconds. However, I'm an emotional person, very sensitive too, even over-sensitive and I can only keep the sensible and unemotional side ruling for a very short time. 
Every single bloody day I'm fighting with myself, it's exhausting. I'm tired of it. I want to be over and done but this man seems to have such a great pull on me... So my struggle continues but I will be writing about it less. There is nothing left to say, I know the situation and I know the outcome. The only thing left to do is for me to get a bloody grip!

Anger and resentment

I have been feeling pretty angry and resentful for the past couple of months, to say the least.
I am really tired of it. I want to move on, be happy with the life I have cause really there is nothing to bitch and moan about. I find it drains my energy and is not a productive power in my life in general, but for some reason I cannot let it go so easily.


My friend told me that there are stages one comes through when dealing with a break-up. I feel like I have been going to and fro between anger and acceptance. The thing is that according to me, we didn't really want to part our ways if it wasn't for religion. So there was this third and deciding factor that broke us up. I think it would be difficult for us no matter which way we took. This doesn't change the fact that I'm not so much angry at him as I'm angry with Islam (please note - not with Muslims).


It's easier for me to absolve my ex from responsibility because he didn't choose what he believes in. It was drilled and spoon-fed to him since he was a kid. It's coupled with images of hell fire and eternal torture he will have to endure if he disbelieves. This is NOT free choice. If someone holds a gun next to your head and asks you to do something, you wouldn't call it free choice, would you?


I have spent months trying to understand his mindset and where he was coming from. On one hand I understand his reasoning and on the other hand I don't because knowing how intelligent and bright he is, I would expect him to see through the bullshit, stop for a second and think. Think about what it means to us a couple, see implications of his thinking. He didn't even take time to consider for a second that he might be wrong, his attitude harmful, divisive and unfair.


I might regret for putting it out there but I do feel a lot of anger and resentment towards Islam, and other religions for that matter (my conversations on the topic of religion do not go down well with my mom).


I resent it for making my ex and some people see in binary terms: Muslims vs. non-muslims, and consequently lumping groups of people into the same sack simply due to their beliefs or lack thereof.
I resent it for making people 'love and hate for the sake of Allah'.

I resent Islam for what it made my ex think about me, about my family, for making me unacceptable to his family simply because they could not love or live under one roof with a non-believer (his words).
I resent it for putting me and him on a hostile footing. He wouldn't have had such ideas about me, my family if it wasn't for Islam.
I resent Islam for tearing us apart as a couple.


No, I DON'T hate Islam. I resent it cause I believe it treated me unfairly. It's more sadness and resignation than hate.
I believe that rejecting an individual purely on the basis of their religious affiliation or lack thereof IS unfair. Rejecting an individual simply because your religion tells you so IS unfair. To be rejected by a stranger is one thing, but to hear "I love you more than myself and I can't live without you but I can't be with you cause you are not Muslim" is whole new level of rejection. 



That's why I do think I have a right to have some grievances towards the religion, NOT the people/Muslims as a whole.
How different people choose to conceptualise certain ideas is what makes them different. I do try my best approaching everyone on an individual basis without prior prejudice and I would like to be treated the same.
I don't want this bad experience to spill into my relations with people but I must say that having been interacting with Muslims and believers (some in RL, some on the internet) it seems that they have the exact same opinion about non-believers as my ex had. And I don't think it's a coincidence. It MUST be coming from somewhere...


Does it hurt me? Yes, it does hurt me a great deal. Even more because I haven't received any reasonable answers from him. My arguments were immediately dismissed as not valid without giving any reason whatsoever.
Why do I care? Why am I still dwelling on this? Because I don't like being treated unfairly. I also see implications of such attitude on a bigger scale. What happened to me is nothing, but if you think of thousands of people, it changes the perspective. 


I apologise if I offended anyone. However, this blog is for me to deal with my experiences that had a major impact on the past 2 years of my life. It's a way of verification of conclusions that I arrived at or changing my opinions when necessary.

I don't want to hold on to my anger and resentment anymore. It's been too long and it's high time to let it go... 

This is beyond ridiculous!

I really thought that my ex had exhausted ways of showing how hypocritical he is but man, I was wrong!


He fancies himself as a Muslim man trying to do his best in his deen. He loves Allah, Muhammad, believes in the Qur'an and the Day of Judgement. He must think that makes him superior to others when it comes to character. In reality, the man has got no integrity whatsoever. I think he passed the point of no return.


I received an email from him on Wednesday where he expressed his desire to recover our friendship, and that he would cherish it.
Being me - an internet savvy little stalker - I checked out his twitter (which I haven't done in months) and what do I see? A tweet in Arabic who a friend of mine translated for me cause google translate didn't do a good job at all. A tweet that reads something along the lines:


"Do not frequently praise the one you love..And do not befriend/follow someone who doesn't obey his God.. don't go easy on others, don't overreact and under react. And when you become depressed, then get up, pray and do takbeer" [takbeer is saying "Allahu akbar"]


A tweet only one week old! And do not befriend/follow someone who doesn't obey his God... Well, that would be me! Hello?! I do not obey God so by his own standards he is not supposed to be befriending me. What is he doing sending me an email and wanting to be friends? Hypocrisy much? Seriously! When is he gonna practice what he preaches? *le sigh*

Here we go again!

Yes, my ex is on a roll... again! I checked my email yesterday and I saw a message from him! At first I thought I was going to faint and wasn't sure whether I even want to see the content of his email but curiosity won.


He said it didn't work out for us and it was sad. He apologized if he hurt me, he had a rough time himself. But it all happened and it's over (really, dude? really?).


"This email is purely to recover some bits of friendship, nothing more.
It's stupid that we would still have hard feelings. I won't lie and say "I don't care about u", cuz I do care and I would cherish our friendship."


Oh so he wants to be friends! Hey! No hard feelings, right? Why hard feelings? I only broke your heart to millions of pieces, wasted 2 years of your life, made you cry your eyes out, made you feel worthless, not adequate, not good enough, empty and numb. I also made you think you will never love anyone again. I am the one responsible for your sleepless nights, for you not wanting to get out of bed and making you physically sick...
Hey! Come on, show must go on! Let's be friends!
You will cherish our friendship? You stamped all over our love, but you will cherish our friendship? Really? Cherish my ass!


He knows very well that I'm not a middle road kind of a person. It's either everything or nothing. If I can't be his everything, then I will be his nothing. But most importantly, I don't want to be friends with him.
So how about: fuck you and fuck off*!
Seriously...











*please excuse my language but this kind of situation simply calls for it.

Interfaith marriage - my stance.

I don’t think interfaith marriages are a walk in the park but I think they are doable. They certainly require a lot of tolerance from both sides. This is what it boils down to: tolerance, respect, open mind and non-dogmatic approach to religion and spirituality.

Just imagine being with somebody of the same faith but different levels of practice or interpretation. It would probably cause pretty much exactly the same amount of friction in such relationship as in an inter-faith one.

In my opinion, the problem starts when one or both sides claim to have monopoly on the ‘ultimate truth’. Once you convinced yourself that your religion is the ultimate truth, you passed the point of no return. Forget about flexible approach and discussing things openly.

When I first came in contact with Islam I found it as fascinating as I find it now. It was different and exotic. I didn’t see anything wrong with him being a Muslim and practicing his religion, and me being... well, just me... with no religion but still celebrating Christmas. I thought it would be great for me to partake in Ramadan and then Eid and for him to see how we celebrate Christmas in my family. I thought it would be an enriching experience.

I imagined our children being taught (not idoctrinated!) about different religions and different ways of reaching out to God and once they would be old enough, they would decide for themselves what path they want to choose for themselves. I thought it was only fair for both parents to have a say in their childrens’ religious upbringing. I could have been more wrong.

However, for most couples my ideas would be inconceivable. Just imagine for a second that if you cannot fully accept somebody you love dearly, what kind of attitude will you have towards strangers who don't share your religious beliefs? It saddens me. It makes me angry that there are couples out there who find their way to each other among millions of people would reject love because of religion and dogma that rules their lives. It’s so extremely divisive and harmful. It makes me sad that it happened to me. It makes me feel as if someone took away my faith in humanity as a whole...

One step forward, two steps back.

My friends came over for a few days and we went to Amsterdam today. Again I recalled all the places we went to, things we ate and spots we took pictures. It hurts. It gives me this sinking feeling in my stomach.
I'm a person for whom places, smells, food and events bring memories about people I spent my time with.


I MUST create new memories but today I can't help but miss him. I miss him a lot... I want him back. I was considering texting him. I know that if I saw him today, the only thing I would want is to take him in my arms and breathe in the smell of his skin. Feel safe and loved again.


Sometimes I feel like I'm falling apart but no one on the outside can tell. Tomorrow I will feel better I hope...

Wild animals should stay in the jungle!

I feel like a wild animal. At least I behave like one! It's sad really.
I have always been rather shy, only had a handful of very very good friends rather than a big circle of them. I'm more of a "stay at home read a book" kind of a girl. To hide my social awkwardness I would try to be funny or silly.


Anyways... so with my ex, we used to spend time at home mostly (due to our relationship being secret) either talking, watching various stuff or simply studying together. I felt so comfortable with him I could pretty much tell him anything I felt embarrassed about and we would just have a chat, laugh off my/his silliness and hug.
Being with him felt as being with an old friend around whom you can just be yourself. What a wonderful feeling! He LOVED me without make up, in pyjamas, saw me crying many many times (also because of him), saw me happy, upset and angry. We've done it all. I didn't have to pretend anything. I could be myself with him, with my depression, ups and downs, but also jumping into his arms when he came to see me...
Will I ever get that again? Will I ever feel this way about somebody else? He hurt me so many times, and vice versa, but we could never be angry at each other for long. We would come back, apologise, kiss and hug and be so happy that everything was good again :)


So there is this guy from work who is handsome and nice. I like him. I don't want to get involved with him for many reasons but I guess some conversational practice wouldn't hurt. I need to get back on the 'meeting people' scene! We already had coffee together and he asked me out for dinner but whenever I am with him I just don't know what to say, where to look or what to do with my hands! So I came up with an excuse just not to go out for dinner with him cause I'm scared my mind would go blank! Then he came to my office for a chat and dropped casual: so do you wanna do sth together tonight? Uhh, how about no cause the very thought scares me?
I feel like an animal let out of the jungle not knowing how to behave. I should have stayed in there!
Uhh, what happened to me? I'm so longing for my ex when conversation was easy and natural with instant connection...
This is what I should print myself off in bulk and use it all the time :D

Don't be selfish in love!

If you are a Western girl in a relationship with a guy from the Gulf, please do your research on laws of the country he lives in but most importantly about family dynamics, which is so so much different than in the West. It goes without saying that you should do extensive research about religion as well.


If you are a guy from the Gulf in a relationship with a Western non-muslim girl - for the love of God! Be honest with the her. I believe honesty is the best policy. Don't promise things you can't deliver. Don't give false hopes!

If you know you can't follow through with your promises and things you say at the very moment of saying them, don't say them at all! Keep your big mouth shut! You are not doing anyone any favours. Do you think that giving another person false hopes is cool? Think again! It's cruel and disrespectful to lead someone on.


How selfish and inconsiderate is it for a man to tell the girl he's been seeing for some time that he loves her and wants to be with her as a husband and wife, share his life with, if he KNOWS that his parents, mother in particular, will not love her as the girls that she already picked for him. He also knows that he does NOT have the strength or desire to stand up for her in front of his family. 
The wish of his parents means EVERYTHING to him. His pleased parents mean more than his own dreams. What his community/strangers think about him and his family is far more important than his own happiness. If he needs to leave you behind, make both of you miserable to please his parents, society - this is what is going to happen. 
If you are not going to compromise to help a relationship work out, say so. Show an ounce of decency respect to the other person's time and feelings by letting them know the above. / rant