It's been exactly 4 months since I last saw him, held him in my arms and inhaled the perfect combination of oud perfume, Chanel Allure and his skin. Back at the end of January he told me he loved me and would see me again in March. He didn't keep his promise. Because in February he realised that love is not enough. He kindly let me know that in a text message. Didn't even have balls to tell me that over the phone or skype. Apparently he loves me enough to let me go. I have never heard this amount of bullshit in my entire life.
Since then it's been rough. Or maybe since June 2010 when we parted ways cause we were both done with university and he was due to go back to Saudi. But after few weeks of silence we would always go back to speaking to each other and trying to make things work. However, February was definite. That was it. God won. Allah won. I, a mere non-Muslim, didn't even stand a chance in this. The result of this game was known long before it even began.
I should say to myself: good riddance!, and move on with my life but I'm stuck here, in the circuit of thoughts about him... Yes, he got that deep under my skin.
And simply wondering now when this reservoir of my tears dries up. He is not worth a single tear of mine but they just keep on flowing... Must be the endless helplessness at my situation I guess.
So I'm waiting for these feelings to let go of me cause it's been too long...
12 comments:
You know...you made the right choice that was for you. I don't think that you should revert to Islam for someone other than yourself. You were going to do something that would later regret. I reverted myself...my husband (a Muslim), didn't at all mind that I was a Christian. I always asked questions about Islam from him...I decided by myself to convert.
I'm sorry that you didn't get the relationship that you wanted. Maybe it's Allah's way of saying that you shouldn't convert for the love of a man, but a love of HIM.
You know...God will help you find someone. I'm sure of it.
If you ever want to talk... :)
I'm sorry you had to go through such a painful experience. No matter who we love, it'll always hurt so much to let them go. I've loved and lost in the past too, and it's hard to endure. What I can say is, take all the time that you need. Don't push yourself into being all better again if you're not ready for that. Just make sure that you always remind yourself to move on and start over, and don't ponder endlessly on what could have been, because that will slow down the healing process. It's not because you're not Muslim that you can't have faith in God. Pray to Him, ask for help. It will lift your heart :)
I also want to recommend a book to you that I think might help you: "The wisdom of a broken heart" by Susan Piver.
Hang in there! No matter how long it takes, there will come a time when you will hardly remember him, and then he (or his memory) won't be able to hurt you anymore.
Big hugs!
my first commenters! <3 :-)
@ Muslim Butterfly
thanks for stopping by :-) I couldn't agree more with you on the issue of converting only for yourself. However, the situation changes when you know you are going to lose sb you love if you don't convert. It does apply quite a lot of pressure. I tried talking myself into islam (I even learned how to wrap hijab and was wearing it in my room to 'get used to it' or just feel sth in my heart) but there are just too many things that i strongly disagree with. Plus, I don't like rituals and organized religions overall.
Funny thing is that I've heard countless of times "there is no compulsion in religion" but when the push comes to shove he just couldn't fathom the thought of being with a non-believer or his children being able to choose what they want for themselves. And that's what I call compulsion. And I do have an issue with it.
It's been a great struggle that's why I set up this blog to blog through my thoughts and feelings (more like moaning and pitying myself lol), hopefully to the benefit of sb out there :-)
thank you for your kind words Muslim Butterfly (love your name btw!), take care! x
@ Safiyah
thank you for stopping by and leaving a comment (so exciting! :-)
yes, i never thought that losing sb we love can cause actual physical pain! i guess i just need a thicker skin :-) placed an order for it already ;-)
Ahh pondering and dwelling on the past are the worst! i keep saying to myself: must stop doing that lol
Safiyah, I don't think I believe in God anymore. Whether it's God of the Bible or Qur'an... I can't help but think that if it wasn't for the religion, I would be in a different place right now...
I will check out the book, definitely! thank you for your kind words and warm hugs too (not to tight tho cause i burned my back yesterday on the beach lol) thanks dear! x
Those tears will dry fast when you realize that you dodged a BIG bullet! Move on, go out with your friends enjoy your life and most of all your FREEDOM.
hi Cabana Boy,
thanks for the comment :-) it doesn't feel this way yet but i'm hoping i will get there :-)
You need time to grieve, every loss is hard to handle. I have been there before. Let the tears calm the pain and slowly you will recover. I won't tell you it will be easy, because it's not, or to enjoy life because when this happens you don't believe in Life any more, or that he is not worth it because it won't help mush.
But I know the light will shine again for you, one day. Keeping you in my prayers.
take care
Keeping you
aww thank you Marie, you got exactly how I tend to feel. but hey, one of my fav singers used to sing:
"The show must go on
Inside my heart is breaking
My make-up may be flaking
But my smile still stays on"
working on the smile ;-) thanks x
There is so much I want to say to you after reading thru your blog. I feel like you are who I might have been had I not gotten pregnant before my husband graduated. I'm looking forward to following your journey and healing. I know things are not easy right now, but take in the positive and have peace knowing that someday you will be with someone who wishes to marry you for you.
awww thank you :'-) i often feel i will never get there... i have never ever thought it'd hit me this hard. NEVER. i was convinced i'm above it. but anyways, we need to carry on and make the best of every day we have, i guess :-) thank you for stopping by :-)
take care x
hi
sorry to read about your heartbrake. yes..i agreed that you should not convert just because of him...i think it's good that he came clear about marrying a " muslim" that is practising.however, i always believe that islam "touch" people in different ways. it's possible for a convert because of marriage to be good mulims. i have some friends who asked their partners to convert prior marriage..and alhamdulillah they started to learn and becoming better muslims from day to day.
I read your entire blog from beginning to end and all the comments. Sorry to say but this guy used you.
While it wasn't malicious useage, it was selfish useage.
Your story is very common all across the USA and Europe.
Your ex is a weak person. He had feelings for you but not respect. When he had to choose, he choose to leave you.
Most likely he was slated to marry a cousin or his family was making promises of a new car or vacation. I've seen this story many times.
And, yes, now he is addicted to you. You were his comfort blanket for a few years. You made his experience of coming to a new country and culture for school a lot easier.
He is having problems adapting back to his culture and rules and he is getting depressed. He needs his "fix".... you.
You are doing the right thing to cut him off. Otherwise, you will be his lap dog for whenever he needs a fix to feel better about himself.
If you kept up the "friendship", he might even come for a vacation to see you. He will except that your relationship resume as it was with you doing all the giving. He might even bring you some gold bracelets or oud perfume.
But the reality is you are his fix until he can stand on his two feet emotionally.
I've seen this story many times play out.
You are doing the best thing you can by cutting him off, healing and moving on.
You are worth so much more.
You think Islam is confusing, look at how confusing he is to you. They go together. He doesn't really understand his own religion enough to really explain it to you. That is common, too. They know how to submit and go through the motions and rules of living Islam but they can't explain the why's and what's. This is indicitive of his real presonality. He is a follower and you are a leader. That is why it worked. You made his school time easier. Now he has to return to the rule and regulation of his family/culture/Islam.
Respect yourself and eventually this will just be a nice memory if you choose to remember the positive aspects of your past relationships.
@Anon,
thanks for stopping by and commenting. I don't have much time to reply but I guess everyone will see my story from their own perspective.
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