Anger and resentment

I have been feeling pretty angry and resentful for the past couple of months, to say the least.
I am really tired of it. I want to move on, be happy with the life I have cause really there is nothing to bitch and moan about. I find it drains my energy and is not a productive power in my life in general, but for some reason I cannot let it go so easily.


My friend told me that there are stages one comes through when dealing with a break-up. I feel like I have been going to and fro between anger and acceptance. The thing is that according to me, we didn't really want to part our ways if it wasn't for religion. So there was this third and deciding factor that broke us up. I think it would be difficult for us no matter which way we took. This doesn't change the fact that I'm not so much angry at him as I'm angry with Islam (please note - not with Muslims).


It's easier for me to absolve my ex from responsibility because he didn't choose what he believes in. It was drilled and spoon-fed to him since he was a kid. It's coupled with images of hell fire and eternal torture he will have to endure if he disbelieves. This is NOT free choice. If someone holds a gun next to your head and asks you to do something, you wouldn't call it free choice, would you?


I have spent months trying to understand his mindset and where he was coming from. On one hand I understand his reasoning and on the other hand I don't because knowing how intelligent and bright he is, I would expect him to see through the bullshit, stop for a second and think. Think about what it means to us a couple, see implications of his thinking. He didn't even take time to consider for a second that he might be wrong, his attitude harmful, divisive and unfair.


I might regret for putting it out there but I do feel a lot of anger and resentment towards Islam, and other religions for that matter (my conversations on the topic of religion do not go down well with my mom).


I resent it for making my ex and some people see in binary terms: Muslims vs. non-muslims, and consequently lumping groups of people into the same sack simply due to their beliefs or lack thereof.
I resent it for making people 'love and hate for the sake of Allah'.

I resent Islam for what it made my ex think about me, about my family, for making me unacceptable to his family simply because they could not love or live under one roof with a non-believer (his words).
I resent it for putting me and him on a hostile footing. He wouldn't have had such ideas about me, my family if it wasn't for Islam.
I resent Islam for tearing us apart as a couple.


No, I DON'T hate Islam. I resent it cause I believe it treated me unfairly. It's more sadness and resignation than hate.
I believe that rejecting an individual purely on the basis of their religious affiliation or lack thereof IS unfair. Rejecting an individual simply because your religion tells you so IS unfair. To be rejected by a stranger is one thing, but to hear "I love you more than myself and I can't live without you but I can't be with you cause you are not Muslim" is whole new level of rejection. 



That's why I do think I have a right to have some grievances towards the religion, NOT the people/Muslims as a whole.
How different people choose to conceptualise certain ideas is what makes them different. I do try my best approaching everyone on an individual basis without prior prejudice and I would like to be treated the same.
I don't want this bad experience to spill into my relations with people but I must say that having been interacting with Muslims and believers (some in RL, some on the internet) it seems that they have the exact same opinion about non-believers as my ex had. And I don't think it's a coincidence. It MUST be coming from somewhere...


Does it hurt me? Yes, it does hurt me a great deal. Even more because I haven't received any reasonable answers from him. My arguments were immediately dismissed as not valid without giving any reason whatsoever.
Why do I care? Why am I still dwelling on this? Because I don't like being treated unfairly. I also see implications of such attitude on a bigger scale. What happened to me is nothing, but if you think of thousands of people, it changes the perspective. 


I apologise if I offended anyone. However, this blog is for me to deal with my experiences that had a major impact on the past 2 years of my life. It's a way of verification of conclusions that I arrived at or changing my opinions when necessary.

I don't want to hold on to my anger and resentment anymore. It's been too long and it's high time to let it go... 

Friendship.

I'm having another couple of days of being deep down in the dumps. Plus, I have a cold.


I replied to my ex saying that I don't want to be friends because first of all it's all or nothing for me. That if I can't be his everything, then I will have to be his nothing. But most importantly that I didn't want to be friends with him cause he hurt me too much, at times even felt as if he destroyed me.


Email I got back wasn't a surprise at all. I was back to being evil for writing what I wrote. And it wasn't him who caused me so much pain but my pride and hatred.

But anyways, we exchanged a couple of more text messages and well, it seems to me he is really short of friends... What I find weird is that he always turns to me when everyone else has left. And judging from what he wrote, he is in some serious trouble. I don't know the details but he said his family is giving him a really hard time to the point he's frantically looking for a place on his own. He mentioned a couple of other things always coupled with how much he wishes I don't have to endure the same he does.


I do care about him but I cannot be his friend cause I know he will only use me whenever he needs and as soon as my job is done, I won't hear from him again. Treating me somewhat as someone who is disposable. 
I would like to help him, talk to him and at least listen to him but I know it's going to be toxic for me and for that reason I cannot do it. Besides, I'm still very much angry at him and resentful because of the things he said and thinks of me. I feel I've been unfairly rejected and it still hurts.


I know I need to forgive him to move on but for some reason I can't let go of all my anger.
I'm working on being a bigger person and just letting it go, and I think I'm closer than ever to achieving it. May this be a start for me to achieve inner peace.

This is beyond ridiculous!

I really thought that my ex had exhausted ways of showing how hypocritical he is but man, I was wrong!


He fancies himself as a Muslim man trying to do his best in his deen. He loves Allah, Muhammad, believes in the Qur'an and the Day of Judgement. He must think that makes him superior to others when it comes to character. In reality, the man has got no integrity whatsoever. I think he passed the point of no return.


I received an email from him on Wednesday where he expressed his desire to recover our friendship, and that he would cherish it.
Being me - an internet savvy little stalker - I checked out his twitter (which I haven't done in months) and what do I see? A tweet in Arabic who a friend of mine translated for me cause google translate didn't do a good job at all. A tweet that reads something along the lines:


"Do not frequently praise the one you love..And do not befriend/follow someone who doesn't obey his God.. don't go easy on others, don't overreact and under react. And when you become depressed, then get up, pray and do takbeer" [takbeer is saying "Allahu akbar"]


A tweet only one week old! And do not befriend/follow someone who doesn't obey his God... Well, that would be me! Hello?! I do not obey God so by his own standards he is not supposed to be befriending me. What is he doing sending me an email and wanting to be friends? Hypocrisy much? Seriously! When is he gonna practice what he preaches? *le sigh*

Here we go again!

Yes, my ex is on a roll... again! I checked my email yesterday and I saw a message from him! At first I thought I was going to faint and wasn't sure whether I even want to see the content of his email but curiosity won.


He said it didn't work out for us and it was sad. He apologized if he hurt me, he had a rough time himself. But it all happened and it's over (really, dude? really?).


"This email is purely to recover some bits of friendship, nothing more.
It's stupid that we would still have hard feelings. I won't lie and say "I don't care about u", cuz I do care and I would cherish our friendship."


Oh so he wants to be friends! Hey! No hard feelings, right? Why hard feelings? I only broke your heart to millions of pieces, wasted 2 years of your life, made you cry your eyes out, made you feel worthless, not adequate, not good enough, empty and numb. I also made you think you will never love anyone again. I am the one responsible for your sleepless nights, for you not wanting to get out of bed and making you physically sick...
Hey! Come on, show must go on! Let's be friends!
You will cherish our friendship? You stamped all over our love, but you will cherish our friendship? Really? Cherish my ass!


He knows very well that I'm not a middle road kind of a person. It's either everything or nothing. If I can't be his everything, then I will be his nothing. But most importantly, I don't want to be friends with him.
So how about: fuck you and fuck off*!
Seriously...











*please excuse my language but this kind of situation simply calls for it.

Almost ABC :)

I was tagged by a fellow blogger Under the Abaya (make sure to check it out and chip in your thoughts :) ) to fill in this short Abc about myself. So here it goes :-)

A

– Available: Always to my friends. 

– Age: 25

– Animals: I love them all! 

B

– Beer: My acquired taste.

– Best friends: I have a handful of very good friends. The type I can call at 3am.

– Body Part on opposite sex: Hands, eyes and shoulders/arms.

– Best feeling in the world: Loving someone and being loved back.

– Best weather: clear blue sky, sunny, light breeze, I would say... 27 degrees

– Been in Love: Yes

– Been on stage: A couple of times. Hated it with passion.

– Believe in Magic: Yeah... kinda ;-)

– Believe in Santa: Nope but he is a perfect excuse to treat my family sth extra!

– Brand: Clothes - Zara, H&M, Oasis, New Look.

C

– Candy: chocolate, nougat and toffee. throw in some nuts too!

– Color: Nudes and natural colours. I like royal blue and plum. Dislike candy pink very much.

– Chocolate/Vanilla: chocolate

- Chinese/Indian/Italian: Indian won over Chinese

- Cake or pie: It depends. Being a sweet tooth I will have both :)

– Cheese: Love cheese! All types! I'm a cheese monster ;-)

D

– Day or Night: A bit of both.

– Dancing in the rain: Fun

E

– Eyes: Greenish/blueish/grayish with a splash of brown. 

– Ever failed a class?: Nope. 

– Enemies: I am not sure. Probably but I don't care.

– Exercise: Yes, try to do it on a regular basis. Currently gym and swimming a few times a week.

F

– First thoughts waking up: Blooody hell! ;-)

– Food: Love food, love to eat it and prefer baking over cooking.

G

– Greatest Fear: Ending up alone with no one to share my life with.

– Get along with your parents: Yes, very well. Especially my mom

H

– Hair Color:  Dark brown

– Happy: me <----------------------> happy

                            (pretty far)

– Holiday: would love to go! need it and I need it soon!

I

– Ice Cream: Ben and Jerry's half baked, nom nom nom!

J

– Jewelry: I wear it occasionally

– Job: Full time, soon to be unemployed :(

K

– Kids: I don't have any and not planning to have biological kids. I would like to adopt

– Kickboxing or karate: Haven't tried but would like to.

– Keep a journal?: No but this blog counts to certain extent I guess.

L

– Love: pain, heartbreak but also the meaning and purpose of my life 

– Laughed so hard you cried: yep, just a week ago when my friends were visiting :-)

M

- Milk flavor: plain will do just fine. I like soya milk very much.

– Movies: Used to watch loads. Mental note: must get back to watching films.

– Motion sickness: Yes, strikes me randomly.

N

– Number: 4 and 8

O

– One wish: People putting aside their differences and uniting to make this world a better place.

P

– Perfect Pizza: any :D

– Pepsi/Coke: doesn't matter as long as it's diet

– Perfume/Cologne: I like heavy perfume, oriental notes, oud. I also love men's fragrances. Creed Silver and Chanel Allure would be my fav.

Q

– Quail: not sure what to answer..

R

– Reason to cry: Broken heart, disappointment, being let down.

– Reality T.V: Never watched it, don't like it.

– Radio Station: Rarely listen to it. They can make me hate songs that I love.

S

– Song: Sade - Bulletproof Soul (I LOVE this woman!)

– Shoe size: 7 UK

– Salad Dressing: have a few in my cabinet at work ;-)

– Skinny dip: naah, I will pass

– Strawberries/Blueberries: Blueberries

– Sport: Not a big fan of watching. Try to do sth regularly myself.

- Sex: Female

T

– Tattoos?: No. As I get older it seems it's not a good idea.

– Thunderstorms: Make me anxious. 

U

– Unpredictable: Yep. That's me.

V

– Vacation spot(s): anywhere in the world. Would love to see the entire Scandinavia properly and Middle East.

W

– Weakness: don't get me started... too emotional.

– Who makes you laugh the most: no one/nothing in particular. Depends on circumstances.

– Worst Weather?: Grey sky and rain pouring down.

X

– X-Rays: had them done a few times.

Y

-Year it is now: 2011

-Yellow: Pages.

Z

– Zoo animal: like them all in their natural habitat. Zoo? I don't like and don't go. Their sight breaks my heart.

Phew! That would be it! I would like to tag Safiyah, Marie from the Colour of our Skin and Usagi. Hope they have fun filling it in :)

Thanks for stopping by and have a good day everyone!