It's been a while since I updated this blog. I've been busy moving back to my home country and wrapping things up at work before leaving. There were some errands to run before leaving the country like terminating my gym membership, phone, bank account etc.
My friend from there went with me to the airport and waited until I got through security. It was very sweet of her to do it for me :'-) We went for something to eat before my flight and I must say that I was very saddened to be parting with her. If it wasn't for her and a handful of other people, my stay there would have been very difficult.
I also managed to get a job interview in UK, a couple of days after my flight home, which meant I had to repack and off I went! I stayed with my friend, the weather was gorgeous and I enjoyed myself tremendously :-) It was brilliant to be surrounded by people speaking proper English but most importantly being able to understand everything happening around me. I was very busy during those couple of days.
During the past month I did sit down a couple of times trying to write but whenever I did, I just couldn't put my thoughts into words. When I'm out and about, I think of things I could write about and actually construct whole sentences and paragraphs but as soon as I'm in front of the computer staring at a blinking cursor words just don't come to me. Another thing is that I don't have a comfortable space back in my parents' place plus internet is rubbish.
As for me and my personal life. Let's just say, it's been a little bit of an emotional roller-coaster. I've had better days when I felt I'm completely over him and I don't love him anymore, and I also had those pitiful days when longing for him was too much to bare.
There is a rational and emotional side to my situation. When I think rationally, I can bring myself to dignified state in no time. I'm not stupid, I'm aware of all the complications, I can recite a list of things that should make me get over him in 3 seconds. However, I'm an emotional person, very sensitive too, even over-sensitive and I can only keep the sensible and unemotional side ruling for a very short time.
Every single bloody day I'm fighting with myself, it's exhausting. I'm tired of it. I want to be over and done but this man seems to have such a great pull on me... So my struggle continues but I will be writing about it less. There is nothing left to say, I know the situation and I know the outcome. The only thing left to do is for me to get a bloody grip!
4 comments:
I may be off-base with this observation- and I know that- but thought I'd share just in case it's relevant. Your emotional side- do you think part of the turmoil and upset is that you let yourself get sucked in by what you feel your rational side knew was a no-win situation? If so, please forgive yourself. Also, tell your emotional side that he wasn't who you thought he was and that it needs to turn off some of that emotion, because it's misdirected!
Anyway, good luck with your move and settling into your next phase i life. I hope it helps you find resolution so you can move on and find someone worthy for your emotional side to fuss over!
hi Sandy :)
thanks for your comment. to be completely honest I don't know what I think anymore and where this emotional roller-coaster is coming from. But you might be right cause all I always heard from my friends was: 'you should've let go long time ago, he wasn't right for you'. I of course thought differently and saw things in him that appealed to me.
I don't think I thought our relationship was a no-win situation. I sincerely thought that love conquers all and religious differences weren't that big of a deal. That was until I realised that he WILL pick religion over me if I don't convert. And he did.
Thank you for your wishes Sandy and I hope so too :-)
I may be overstepping my bounds but I found for me, that in the times when I was really really missing a man I loved that I was not actually missing HIM...I was missing the idea of what I wanted him to be and projected that on him. For example, I once loved a guy from Iran who was, during the relationship very kind, respectful etc. You know the usual...He became much more involved in Iranian politics through his contacts at college and really became a very different person from the one I knew and loved. I broke it off because I knew rationally there was no way I shared his political views which were very important to him, nor was I ever going to convert (which at the time we got together was absolutely not an issue, but as he became more conservative became a big deal). I mourned the loss of that love/friendship but when I started to drown in the feelings of loss I had to remember that the "he" as I knew him was gone. He didn't exist anymore and in fact was already on his way out of the relationship BEFORE we broke up. When I looked at it from that perspective...that my love was a dream that didn't exist anymore and was not possible, I realized I was not actually mourning something that I could have. I was mourning a figment of my imagination (in a way).I realized that the only thing that we didn't have in the relationship is a funeral to bury what was, and knowing this I could let go.
Just my story of how I got over it.
hi Oby,
thanks for stopping by :) I do think you are right... One could wake me up in the middle of the night and I could give the person a list of reasons why I don't want to be with him etc but the emotional part of my brain hasn't caught up yet it seems. I have plenty of good memories and when one crosses my mind I get all melancholic etc. It's more of a 'we could have had that' type of a thing but I always remember it was conditional ie. upon my conversion. It's getting better day by day though :)
thank you for sharing your way of dealing with it :)
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