I am really tired of it. I want to move on, be happy with the life I have cause really there is nothing to bitch and moan about. I find it drains my energy and is not a productive power in my life in general, but for some reason I cannot let it go so easily.
My friend told me that there are stages one comes through when dealing with a break-up. I feel like I have been going to and fro between anger and acceptance. The thing is that according to me, we didn't really want to part our ways if it wasn't for religion. So there was this third and deciding factor that broke us up. I think it would be difficult for us no matter which way we took. This doesn't change the fact that I'm not so much angry at him as I'm angry with Islam (please note - not with Muslims).
It's easier for me to absolve my ex from responsibility because he didn't choose what he believes in. It was drilled and spoon-fed to him since he was a kid. It's coupled with images of hell fire and eternal torture he will have to endure if he disbelieves. This is NOT free choice. If someone holds a gun next to your head and asks you to do something, you wouldn't call it free choice, would you?
I have spent months trying to understand his mindset and where he was coming from. On one hand I understand his reasoning and on the other hand I don't because knowing how intelligent and bright he is, I would expect him to see through the bullshit, stop for a second and think. Think about what it means to us a couple, see implications of his thinking. He didn't even take time to consider for a second that he might be wrong, his attitude harmful, divisive and unfair.
I might regret for putting it out there but I do feel a lot of anger and resentment towards Islam, and other religions for that matter (my conversations on the topic of religion do not go down well with my mom).
I resent it for making my ex and some people see in binary terms: Muslims vs. non-muslims, and consequently lumping groups of people into the same sack simply due to their beliefs or lack thereof.
I resent it for making people 'love and hate for the sake of Allah'.
I resent Islam for what it made my ex think about me, about my family, for making me unacceptable to his family simply because they could not love or live under one roof with a non-believer (his words).
I resent it for putting me and him on a hostile footing. He wouldn't have had such ideas about me, my family if it wasn't for Islam.
I resent Islam for tearing us apart as a couple.
No, I DON'T hate Islam. I resent it cause I believe it treated me unfairly. It's more sadness and resignation than hate.
I believe that rejecting an individual purely on the basis of their religious affiliation or lack thereof IS unfair. Rejecting an individual simply because your religion tells you so IS unfair. To be rejected by a stranger is one thing, but to hear "I love you more than myself and I can't live without you but I can't be with you cause you are not Muslim" is whole new level of rejection.
That's why I do think I have a right to have some grievances towards the religion, NOT the people/Muslims as a whole.
How different people choose to conceptualise certain ideas is what makes them different. I do try my best approaching everyone on an individual basis without prior prejudice and I would like to be treated the same.
I don't want this bad experience to spill into my relations with people but I must say that having been interacting with Muslims and believers (some in RL, some on the internet) it seems that they have the exact same opinion about non-believers as my ex had. And I don't think it's a coincidence. It MUST be coming from somewhere...
Does it hurt me? Yes, it does hurt me a great deal. Even more because I haven't received any reasonable answers from him. My arguments were immediately dismissed as not valid without giving any reason whatsoever.
Why do I care? Why am I still dwelling on this? Because I don't like being treated unfairly. I also see implications of such attitude on a bigger scale. What happened to me is nothing, but if you think of thousands of people, it changes the perspective.
I apologise if I offended anyone. However, this blog is for me to deal with my experiences that had a major impact on the past 2 years of my life. It's a way of verification of conclusions that I arrived at or changing my opinions when necessary.
I don't want to hold on to my anger and resentment anymore. It's been too long and it's high time to let it go...
31 comments:
You might want to believe that because it makes you feel better. But believe me if he wasn't a muslim , he would still come with another reason to deem you unacceptable by his standards. From all of what you wrote about him he seems someone with so much hate and I wonder how could you love someone who obviously doesn't love or respect you for the person who you really are. It's obvious that he gave up on you easily. How can you still be attached to someone like that ?
If it wasn't for religion, it would be your race, your background or just the fact that you are not Arab. What happened to you so far is an indication of the future you could have had with him. Do you really believe you can be happy with someone like that ?
I'm sorry if I'm being harsh but it's because I've been fool enough to ignore the red flags when I was your age and I'm paying the price now. It's something I wish no other woman will go through.
Let go and live your life. You are better off without him and without all the anger and resentment . Life is too short .
[i]I wonder how could you love someone who obviously doesn't love or respect you for the person who you really are[/i]
that's a very good question Anon and I've asked it myself a few times. as I said sometimes it's difficult to see forest for the trees especially when you are 'in love' and I think you are likely to take more crap from sb than usual.
And I did.
The attachment I think comes from a fact that he dismissed all my arguments from a get go and I was sort of hell-bent on trying to make him listen to me. Not anymore though. It took me so long cause I'm a little bit slow when it comes to letting people go out of my life ;-)
thanks for stopping by and I do hope that you are getting your life on track :-) I'd appreciate it if you could put your nickname/initials at the end of the post cause there are other 2 or 3 anons commenting and I don't want you to get mixed up :-)
thanks again and my best wishes for you!
I think you were just unfortunate enough to fall in love with an Arab :).. The Arabs are not shining examples of the perfect muslim (thats what ive been told). Its something thats quite common knowledge, that Arabs look down upon others (Im talking about the Arabs of today, not those of the past - and im just generalising here, but im sure they're the majority)... I have a few muslim friends who would NEVER even consider marrying Arab men. Its because of their authoritarian nature. And, the way i see it, thats not Islam. and i think i havnt seen anyone else love and respect their wives the way muslim men do. Some of these women really do have a fairytale life, because of the way their husbands love and treat them (and that, i believe, is the real Islam). Its really heartwarming to see how much these men love their wives. Ive got a muslim friend who i, personally, think is the most happiest girl alive. Whenever i speak to her i can just see the glow of happiness on her face, and that is because of her husband. He treats her exceptionally well and they've got such a good marriage. The way i see it, Islam demands that the husband be good to his wife in every way. Not rule over her in the way these Arab men do. And that, my friend said to me, is the problem, because people associate Islam with the way the Arab world works. And theres a lot that the Arabs do that are totally contrary to their religion (for example, the way they deal with their wives).. But yes, i do know that they dont marry out of their religion, and personally i agree with that. I wouldnt marry someone out of my religion, because (and this is my opinion :)), i dont think absolute peace and harmony can be attained when the husband and wife follow different religions - there will definitely be conflict, be it with their own lives or that of their children. And i think that as a parent, its your duty to guide your children in life, and how are you going to give them the gift of believing in God when both parents share a different concept of God. And sometimes its only that spiritual peace and connection that can get you through hardships in life - which only comes with a firm belief in your God and his religion.
Have a good day :)
Almost, I'm going to be completely honest with my opinion here. He gave you the easiest and most believeable excuse he could find to end your relationship. You may never know the real reasons behind his wanting to end it with you, but I gurantee that Islam is not the reason. To me, I see the classic case of an Arab, Muslim young man who goes to study in a foreign country, sees that things are getting too serious, or knows that it's time to go home and life his "real" life, and drops the woman who's inadvertently fallen in love with him. If he was such a serious, hell-bent Muslim, he wouldn't have had a relationship with you to begin with. The irony is astounding.
Anon is right. He would have given you any reason to cut you loose and push blame from himself.
I'm sorry that he used his faith as an excuse, thereby causing you to have resentment for it.
I'm sorry this happened to you. But please, let go of the anger because it won't change anything and it won't help you in the long run. I know love makes it difficult to see the whole situation, but someday you will realize that you dodged a MAJOR bullet here.
No matter what faith you claim or reject, I care about you as a person and I truly hope that you continue with your process of growing, learning and moving on from this. I'm always here if you need to talk :)
You really should have an overwhelming feeling of luck at dodging that bullet. Concentrate on that and you'll realize that you have nothing to be angry or resentful about.
@PinkPearl
thanks for stopping by and commenting. I'm very happy about your friend :) it's always nice to hear about some good marriages :) most of my friends are not married yet but in long term relationships and they are in very happy relationships.
I guess a relationship with a muslim man will depend on his interpretation of religion.
as for marrying out of your faith - I do agree mostly with what you said but I would say that if sb holds such opinion, then they shouldn't get themselves into a relationship with sb of a different faith.
thanks again :)
@Under :)
ahh maybe you are right... but I guess I'm gonna be stubborn here and believe that we did have sth and that his feelings were sincere :-) I really do. I know it might not seem this way but I don't think he was faking or anything.
People do a lot against their religion even when they have it on their lips day and night.
But I do agree with you, and I heard about it many times, when it comes to the typical situation when western lady is involved with a guy from the Gulf.
Thank you for you sincere wishes Under :-) I really appreciate them :-) And you know what? Since writing this post I did calm down and feel 'lighter'. I think the times has come and I really welcome it with my arms wide open :-) thank you again for your support xoxox
@Lynn
thanks for stopping by and commenting Lynn :-) i'm pretty sure the feelings you described will come to me soon :-)
I understand your pain and have sympathy on you, but….
As someone said above it is impossible for two different thinking people live together. Don’t blame Islam for your misunderstanding with any religion. Different of opinion may not be in religion itself .it is possible to have in any aspects.
In any religion, it is common now days, both wife and husbands of same religion got divorced because of different of opinion among them for different reasons….
Don’t you know there is divorce among Christians, Muslims or any other religion because of different in opinions other than religion?.
Your blame on Islam itself becomes a curse on him if he compromises and marries you. Because east and west cannot be put together and say both are same.
He may think of going hell if he marries a non believer. Same time it will be a hell for both of you if you don’t want to forget about your affair with him and curse Islam for not fulfilling your physical desires.
Muslim may not get angry if you blame on Muslims. But sure Muslims get offended if someone blames Islam for not fulfilling their materialistic desires..I am not warning, but friendly suggestion, be careful while blaming Islam for someone rejecting you to marry ……
There are hundreds of rejection cases among non believers, atheists and people of different ideologies. Why you blame ISLAM for your breakup? It is absurd to blame Islam for failure of your love affair.
You cannot live with that person for long because this will not only affect both of your life, also your children.
Better forget about it than get married and divorced later after compromising with both of your different ideologies. ”if you already have forgotten and set aside the matter, why keep mentioning over here and blame ANY religion?”
If you don’t want to move forward by forgetting it, and keep on blaming Islam for rejection of a Muslim, YOU ARE PUNISHING YOURSELF AND CRYING FOR NOTHING. If not, you are a mad fish out of water.
As I said above, I have sympathy on your break up of love affair but my comment is little bit harsh only because your blame on ISLAM for losing your personal benefits and desires.
Anon,
I would appreciate if you could at least put a name down or initials, or anything for that matter.
as for the rest, I'm not gonna address it. If my perspective bothers you, there is a very simple solution to that: close the window.
Hi Almost. This is me the first anon doing as you requested and using a nickname. I just want to clear out that I'm not the last anon.
Thanks for the good wishes and the same goes out to you.
Would have a lot to say but for now just check her you have an award waiting for you
http://thecolorofourskin-ourjourney.blogspot.com/2011/09/inspirational-award-to-honour.html
TAKE CARE
Islam didn't say that a non believer can not marry a Muslim man. It was him who self perceived this because he wanted to leave you, so he used Islam for a wrong purpose. I as Muslim is wrong and can be but Islam as a religion isn't bad or wrong.
P.S try to forget him sister =]
I think it's important to remember that many MANY relationships end not just because of religious differences but because one person simply decides to end it with what seems to the other person as no good cause. Now they may or may not give a reason. And the reason may or may not be correct or valid. But it leaves the party left behind feeling a lack of resolution and a feeling of unfairness. Yes it is unfair. But it does happen all the time- and you need to decide for how long you spend trying to make sense of what was not fair- or deciding your lucky it didn't work out and move on.
This isn't so much about Islam as an immature young man who proceeded to please himself until he couldn't make it work. Either he didn't look ahead or was too callous to care about what would happen. But he made his life very comfortable for himself in the meantime. It happens all the time- with or without the specific religious context here. But how much more of your life are you going to give him? That is the real question.
hi again Sandy!
yes, absolutely, many relationships end because of a lot of different reasons. I guess it might not make sense but I felt that him asking me to convert and believe in sth that I did not believe was unfair because it's not sth that you can make yourself feel or think. It's beyond my control. It's not like an annoying character trait that you can work on.
Yeah, I know I took my time dwelling on stuff lol but you are right, no need to waste anymore of it :)
as for the second part, I think we will just agree to disagree. I'm not saying that he didn't have other reasons that he thought that I'm not good enough but to say that religion didn't play a part at all would be not true.
But yea he acted against the teachings of his religion and well, the rest is history.
After writing that post I did feel a lot of anger and resentment leave me. about time hehe
thanks Sandy!
Dear Almost...
Hi! I actually have a different take on this. I have been in your shoes and so I truly understand how painful it could be.
I believe your young man did have feelings for you and I do believe it was Islam that got in the way. There are people who would reject someone for not being of the same faith as they...and it would not be only a Muslim who would do that. A Jew might or a christian might as well. It IS possible. I had a Jewish friend once who told me they couldn't imagine marrying anyone other than a jew. I know Christians like that too. So it does happen and it IS religiously based.
Having said that, your young man, knowing what he felt about marrying a muslim only should never have put either of you in the situation he did because for him, religion was all important and he was inflexible on that...therefore he shouldn't have even pursued a relationship that had no possibility of a happy outcome for the both of you. He should have questioned up front early your feelings on conversion.
I agree with you...I don't believe in Islam as my faith and if I agreed to conversion just to make the relationship work I am starting things off in a lie...and a lie to the big man upstairs no less!! You would have started the your entire married life by DENYING the core essence of who you are. How well can that end if you start out that way? On the flip side he didn't deny himself BUT (and this is a big but) asked you to do so. How much did he love you? Probably not as much as he feared God or his families disapproval and THAT is a tough nut to crack. A lot of that is based on culture and no matter how wonderful you are you are not going to change their cultural attitudes. And yes, it is unfair. But the secret is you are in a much better place now even if you are not able to get your head and heart in the same place at the moment...that will come. I guarantee you that you will look back with the benefit of emotional distance and thank your lucky stars that you did not wind up with your young man, because if you had, and you didn't believe in Islam, everyday of your life you would have had to rejustify to yourself why you converted and you would have had to tell yourself a little lie everyday and every time you said your prayers. That kind of deception can eat away at a person over a long time. The worst lie of all is the lie you tell yourself.
There are a million young men out there who would treat you better and with the same respect and deference that they would treat themselves with. Don't rush it...mourn the loss of your love (even if you decide YOU were the only one who really loved in this situation ) mourning the loss fully is important IMO because it enables you to move forward without that unfinished business dragging behind. And it is not really fair to bring that into a new relationship. Feeling the anger is normal and IMO cathartic...but don't dwell forever in this place of unhappiness. You will be doing yourself a major disservice. To be honest, it took me more than a year to get over my situation, but once I had worked it through and it was behind me...IT WAS BEHIND ME! And more importantly I didn't make another young man pay the emotional price for what someone else did to me. So I say don't rush it, don't deny your feelings, don't try to intellectualize them away...once you have worked through this (and I believe it isn't always on a conscious level)you will know and you will be ready to move forward. Most importantly (at least it was for me)is you will have forgiven him his bad behavior...not forgotten, but forgiven and forgiveness is for YOU and your soul not the other person.It will free you to move on.
Hello, First time reader (I think). I may have read some of your posts in the past, but not sure.
God is a powerful and forgiving entity, I don't think it harms God in anyway for you to be angry with one of the religions (I know I was frustrated with Christianity for a long time). However, maybe you would be better served to be angry with the one that actually delivered the words (Since Islam doesn't actually ban inter-faith marriages).
This one was interesting to me from the start, because I married a Muslim man and I was Christian (sort of) at the time. Maybe he didn't have an issue because he "felt" I would become Muslim someday (even though he never said that). Or maybe it was because we actually had the same level of faith and religious desire, but under different names?
I actually have come to hate the assumption that Muslims can't marry non-Muslims. There really is no argument, really. If two people share the same level of love and understanding of God then there wouldn't be a problem in the relationship raising children or whatever. It isn't the title of religion that matters, it is the display of it, how it is practiced and enacted.
He used it as an excuse even if it was difficult for him. He must have had a "picture" in his mind of what his household would look like and that house was united under the word Islam. I can't blame you for being upset with this! But, it wasn't because of Islam, it was because of him. Of course, if you love someone, it is difficult to be angry directly with them.
The good news? God is forgiving, even if people aren't.
Hope for some healing on your heart,
Steph
Dear Oby,
apologies for late reply and thank you for stopping by and leaving a comment :-)
I understand that it's not only Muslims who decide that they couldn't possibly be with sb of another faith. One couple that I know went through a very rough patch because they are from different Christianity sects.
I can understand whey they are coming from but it does make me sad.
Having said that, your young man, knowing what he felt about marrying a muslim only should never have put either of you in the situation he did because for him, religion was all important and he was inflexible on that…
exactly. this has been stated on this blog and elsewhere many times. I think it's only fair towards the other person if you either don't get yourself into a relationship or let them know your thoughts on the subject beforehand, NOT when sb already invested emotionally in it.
I know for a fact that I couldn't lead double life because I couldn't look at myself in the mirror. That's why I am in the place I'm right now :-)
Thank you Oby for your kind words. I do feel I'm on the way to healing completely but still get times when it hits me.
thanks for encouragement and your empathy :-) take care!
hello Steph :-)
thanks for stopping by and taking the time to comment (when I saw 4 comments from anonymous I sensed trouble lol but was wrong ;-)
as for ban on interfaith marriages. as far as I'm aware it's permissible. But it goes deeper than that. If you deal with sb who thinks that being Muslim is the ONLY right state of being on earth then you get what I got.
So I guess we will agree to disagree on the influence of religion in this case :-)
Hey!
Sorry I haven't been visiting recently. Not really been on blogger for a long time.
I understand the point you are trying to make.
You feel angry towards Islam because your ex used that as an excuse to end your relationship. And that I think is what it is. An excuse.
My best friend died from cancer last year. She was 20. Who do I blame? God? Her? life?
Acceptance is the hardest thing, a mountain climb in itself.
I wish you all the best. May you find peace, and a person that truly loves you.
:)
I will tell you a story that I have never told antone in its entirety, for your sake and mine.
Ms. Anonynous.
I am just reading your blog now and I absolutely agree with you on the Islam issue and marriage. I am married to a Muslim and have not converted. We were older when we married and children were not an option. Still, my husband is constantly asked if I am going to convert and is pressured to try and get me to convert. Because he is older and not lived near relatives for many years he ignores the pressures. I'm sure for a younger man it is not very easy. I also wonder what would have happened had we met many years ago and wanted children. It's difficult to say but I do believe you when you say Islam got in the way of your marriage.
This break up isn't the waste of 2 years of your life. Think about it as if you were gaining the next 25!
At 25 you are still a baby, the world is wide open. And now you have the freedom, the choice, the time to make what you want out of it.
Break up always suck. A broken heart is likely the most painfull thing one can think of. However time heals... It is hard to believe at this point but it is true. Time heals. Just be patient and happy, you have this beautifull life ahead of you
Hi Wendy,
thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment. I do hope that despite your husband being pressurized to get you convert, he is not giving in and nagging you to do it.
Thank you for 'getting it' :-) hope your marriage will be a successful one! wish you all the best, take care :-)
Hi Anon at 4:27
thanks for reading and commenting. I guess it's a part of growing up and learning. I think I begin to see my experiences in a positive way as I let go of that love.. thanks again, take care!
Not to worry! He'd never try and convert me and we are too old to succumb to pressure from anyone. He doesn't want me to convert in fact and totally understands why I won't. I am not fond of organized religions and he understands where I am coming from. He is very moderate as can happen when someone lives outside an Islamic country for the better part of their adult life.
You will also move on and find happiness. It is not about the destination ... it's about the journey. It is all a big learning experience. :D
that's a good think he's not trying to convert you. i understand that you have your 'reasons' for not converting, do you mind me asking what they are and how so your husband takes them with understanding?
yeah, everyone keeps telling me it's a blessing in disguise.. that's probably I can't see this blessing... yet :)
uh btw, are you a Wendy from American Bedu? Cause that Wendy wasn't fond of organised religions either but I think she got kids.. anyways, I immediately thought of her when I saw your screen name :)
take care!
Yes, that's me. I do have kids and grandkids but they are from a previous marriage. I've had a good life with ups and downs all my experiences have taught me something along the way both good and bad. That will be for you, also. Don't give yourself up to please someone else!!!!
As to your other questions ... my husband and I are not young. He has lived around non-Muslims most of his life and see they are not bad people. As to my feelings about Islam (submit) and other organized religions they are many and varied. I believe that people don't need someone to tell them or force them to be good. I think that most people are good without being told. I think people should be able to pray or express their spiritual selves anywhere. I feel that some organized religions are just money-makers. I feel that a 'religious' building (mosque) should be open to anyone who wishes to pray regardless of his faith. I feel that nobody should be looked down upon because he doesn't pray the same way you do. I believe in freedom most of all and I absolutely have no use for any religion that favours one sex over the other or where people are not equal in all things.
You know basically my husband agrees with me but I also believe deep down that Islam is so ingrained in Muslims especially if they are born into it that they are really afraid to follow another path because they've been taught to fear it. I think some Muslims can see the logic in that but simply are unable to walk away.
I did reply about who I am and my thoughts on religion. Did you get it?
hi Wendy :)
yes, I got your msg but my internet is very patchy or non-existent at times hence delay with replies or even posting comments.
ahh I think that Wendy from Am Bedu has 4 kids with her Muslim husband. Just sth I remembered cause I really liked her comments :)
Anyways... I am glad that your husband is so open-minded :-)
And my views on organised religion are pretty much the same as yours. That's why I struggle to understand deeply religious people who with conviction will tell some pretty judgmental things or why they would defend some clear inequalities of different people according to scripture and still believe it despite the fear they might feel.
This might be one of the things I will never understand... Thank you for sharing with me Wendy :) take care!
What is your news Dear, are you feeling any better? I have watched for updates.
Lainey (a follower)
hi Lainey :-)
thanks for concern :) I've been trying to write a post recently but bad internet and my lack of ability to write anything prevented me from it.
But it will be soon, I promise :D take care Lainey!
I've never seen another Wendy on AB. I think you might be mixing two different people. :)
could be :) hope you are well Wendy :) (I love your name btw! always brings an image of a girl with two pony tails lol)
Post a Comment