It’s been a bit rough recently with literally nothing going according to my plans and wishes. It’s as if the entire world united against me. Yep, I did wonder whether it is God punishing me for my lack of belief and being outspoken against religion. Yep, it is difficult to get rid of such mentality.
Therefore, the entire situation and my frustration invited the case of „what ifs” and „should’ve, could’ve, would’ve”. I stay up at night and think cause I can’t sleep. I swear, my brain can be my worst enemy at times.
I often think what would have happened if I became a Muslim, moved to the Middle East to live my life with my ex-bf. In moments of desperation I think I should have converted. My life would look so much different now. Would it be better? I cannot possibly know that but I certainly wouldn’t be experiencing situations and feelings I am facing now which are a direct result of NOT converting.
I often think whether I really gave it all my best shot. Sometimes I feel like turning up at his doorstep announcing I’m a Muslim now. To try it out for some time in order to see the beauty of Islam that I can’t see no matter how hard I rub my eyes. Maybe then I could see and feel it?
In times like this I recall the moments I did barganing with my own conscience. I tell you people, conscience is a tough negotiator. Actually... adjective ‘tough’ is an understatement. I don’t know about yours but my conscience is hard-nose, unyielding and astute negotiator. You can’t even haggle a pence out of the original price. And if you do something stupid in the spur of a moment, it will remind you of it on every possible occasion.
We finally sat at the negotiating table when I felt that I could not become a genuine Muslim. I just didn’t believe in the Qur’an, there were things in this book that downright put me off. Desperation to keep the man I loved put forward an idea of becoming a fake Muslim, a Muslim by name only. Could I put up a facade of Muslimness in front of others? Sure, I could! I thought to myself. But my conscience presented me with a film of my life as a fake Muslim: full of resentment towards others for not accepting me for who I am but also full of disappointment and contempt directed at myself for not standing up for what I feel is right, and being deceitful to myself and others. My conscience showed me how I would slowly but surely wither away intelectually and internally. I like to think I'm rather strong but there are certain things that could smother my spirit. There would be nothing but a shell left of me. Most likely though, I would rebel. I would fight. It doesn't really matter cause either way it would inevitably dismantle our relationship/marriage.
Even hard-pressed I couldn't say this is the kind of life I wanted for myself...
12 comments:
Get rid of from the feeling of this. Accept anything by heart or else your sacrifice will be wasted. Your credit is yours, it shouldn't be wasted. P.S We missed you sister =)
I think we all feel these phases in life when we don't know whether the choices we have taken are the right ones.
But what counts at the end of the day is to be true to yourself, even if it comes with struggles and very hard times.
In my opinion God does not punish anyone on earth that is living far from him. He knows sometime we take roads that are pushing us further away from him. He knows what is in our hearts and this is the most important.
As you told me before you don't need a religion to believe in God. One day maybe you'll find your way towards one. But converting for the pleasure of another human being I don't think it's the right thing to do.
Take care.
Do what your heart say .
Hope u will visit my blog and follow each other.
You may think this comment is irrelevant to this post. But if you watch what I forwarded over here, sure you will know why you / we are wrong in saying “ I don’t agree or believe in Quran”..
Main thing what happening in your life now is LOSING your boyfriend..Second thing is rejecting the fact with stronger doubts about Qur’an which you would have had answers easily if you would have asked with known Islamic scholars or imams by visiting them in mosques.
You trusted and completely rely d either on fake Muslims interpretations or poisons of anti Islamic (haters) elements
I also had many doubts and questions about Quran as you had/.have right now. That was when I was not aware of the following video that is somewhat answering directly about one of my many doubts about Quran. You may not agree with this scholar in many aspects of his definition about Islam…but I am very sure that you feel quite amazed how this person can make us understand very absurd verse into a scientific one?...
Forget (for a while) about his other interpretations…you just focus “only” on what he is saying in this video..
Do you really want to know how to interpret Quranic verses?
To know why we are wrong to assume certain verses are unbelievable,
Watch it out:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t1KiUb39EY4
@Fahad
thanks Fahad :)
@Marie
yep, I'm in one of those phases. I don't know if the decisions I have made were the right ones. Sometimes I wish I could redo some things.
Yeah, this 'being true to yourself' thing is really hard! no one promised it would be easy but I didn't expect it to be so difficult at times..
I kinda miss believing in God. I still sort of talk to Him but there is no conviction in me that he listens and most importantly that he CARES.
oh well, I will get over it :) thanks Marie! xx
@Izdiher
welcome and thanks for stopping by :)
@Anon (please leave initials when commenting next time, thank you)
About the doubts in the Qur'an. Do you think that I didn't look for answers? Who do you know that I relied on when making up my mind?
in my humble opinion, there is no science in the Qur'an. you are free to believe whatever you wish though.
if you want to have a discussion with me about some of the issues I have with the Qur'an, please refer to my previous posts and reply to that post. I will be happy to engage with you.
PS. Zakir Naik.. You couldn't have picked a worse scholar. I'm sorry but I simply cannot understand his speech due to his strong accent and I gave up on trying to make sense of what he says long time ago.
thanks for stopping by and taking the time to comment Anon :) take care!
LOVED the cartoon! That's so me.
We all go through these periods, the most important thing is knowing you stayed true to yourself.
Just stay strong and give it time :)
haha yeah when I saw the cartoon I thought about myself immediately :D
thanks for the good wishes :) I guess when moving forward, you sometimes take a step back.
thanks again!
Does it ever make you wonder why it seems so easy for men to convert to a religion (only in words) for love? You know they know nothing more than what they see their love do, and they don't even care! They seem totally content being a "Muslim" or "Christian" or "fill in the blank" by title but not by belief or practice. And in the end, it also seems that their lover is also ok with this. It was just formality, in order to please someone else (a family member most likely).
It seems to me that women have a much more difficult time doing something like that. We are must more sensitive to what the "others" must think of us. Men just don't seem to care.
Stephi
to be honest I have never thought about it as I was so surrounded with stories of women converting to a religion for love. especially if you think of men converting to islam because they met a Muslim woman and they fell in love or sth.
from the top of my head i can't think of more than one story about a guy converting to a religion for love but i have dozens ready about women doing that! need to broaden my horizons ;)
Perhaps, you might notice that I am spending too much time on your blog but this is still not too much I wish to read all the posts as early as possible.
Here is the quote I think better describes your current condition.
"The truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable."
~Attributed to James A. Garfield
Best Wishes
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