I didn't fall in love with my ex, I plummeted in love with him and it felt so damn good! And scary at the same time. I was scared of him to see me the way I am, insecure and vulnerable under the shell of false confidence and cheerfulness.
I can't remember anyone or anything making me feel so high as he used to. It was him who could make me feel so high on life, it made me think that I don't need or want anything else. Why would I want anything else if I had pure joy and happiness within the reach of my hands? My happiness had deep brown eyes and lush black hair I would run my fingers through… My happiness kept me warm by holding me tightly in its sweet embrace. Those arms and heart that promised to keep me warm and safe, protect against everything. When you hear such promises, you think that you can conquer the world…
I know those were just moments but at the time it felt that only because of them I could breathe and function normally. Many times I felt like a drug addict, just waiting for another fix to make his/her life worthy of living again. And as a drug addict every fix pulled me deeper and deeper. Every next fix was as toxic and unhealthy as the first one. Desperation creeped in. There were moments when I forgot about self-respect and I'm not proud of it.
I sometimes feel like a recovering drug addict who wants his fix, who knows that it is so damn bad for him but still yearns for it with every breathing cell of his body… to feel high for a moment… to feel ALIVE…
It seems impossible for me to grasp why I can't be with someone who captivated my heart, mind and soul. It just doesn't make any sense to me. It does get better with every day though.
Maybe that's why a new Rihanna's song and especially intro to the song resonate with me so much:
it's like you screaming and no one gonna hear,
you almost feel ashamed that someone could be that important
that without them you fee like nothing.
no one will ever understand how much it hurts...
you feel hopeless, like nothing can save ya
and when it's over and it's gone,
you almost wish you could have all the bad stuff back, so that you could have the good…
2 comments:
I feel this. This post. Sigh.
When you love someone so obsessively or too passionately that you forget your true purpose on Earth, to submit to your Lord, the Merciful One who Created you, then He will remove the distractions. Sometimes what we think is good for us may be bad for us and what we think is bad might be good for us. If the relationship was not "marriage" then it wouldnt be considered "halal"=lawful for you or him. Also remember, before you fix anybody's errors you must commit to fixing your own in this life journey. I encourage you to look up Dr. Bilal Philips on Youtube and please do watch his videos. Also watch the video by Imam Siraj Wahhaj on Jesus (peace be upon him), and you will learn so much! The best advice I can give you is to learn Islam from the Quran itself, as well as the Sunnah and Hadiths of the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) which will give you light on things you did not know. May Allah the Creator, the One God of the Universe and all that is within it guide you to the right path. Insha'Allah (God willing). Because the veils come off the eyes of those only whom He wills so that they can see the truth.-FATIMAH
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