I remember the drama I went through around a year ago when we broke up for the first time. I was trying to write my dissertation but could hardly focus on it. I was heart-broken, empty, desperate, angry and feeling thousands of emotions at once. I was looking for anything that would lead me to Islam. Anything at all. Anything that would make me understand and accept this religion that seemed to me so foreign and unforgivable.
I couldn't sleep at night so I prayed. I prayed during the day. I prayed for guidance for myself, for his tolerance, for anything that would keep us together...
Before we parted in June I asked him to teach me how to pray the way he does. Never got round to it. So I searched internet for 'tutorials' on how to pray 'Muslim style'. I performed the ritual ablutions the way I thought was right, wrapped a scarf on my head (youtube taught me how), faced the Ka'aba and started praying with printed instructions in my hand. I knew that my prayer was very much imperfect but I don't think I have ever been more sincere in my prayers as I was at that moment.
I didn't cry. I wept. As I was going through the motions, I was weeping. I was on my knees, in prostration begging God to hear me, to help me... I guess that wasn't enough.
8 comments:
What a strong post ... I actually feel your pain dear ... I went through a very similar thing with a guy, but I did Islam for me, not him. I wouldn't submit to God for a man.
You really deserve so much better though. If he can't accept you for you then it is not worth it and this is what I told myself.
Sweetheart, why would God lead you into a faith that obviously had no appeal to you, even when you were faced with a broken heart? Maybe God did guide you, but just not in the way you expected Him to. I don't want to sound like a preacher or something, but you can't fool God. You can't ask Him "please make me happy with this" when clearly your heart and soul are against it. He wants you to be happy with a real life, hun, not a fake one.
Big hug to you, sweetie!
I agree with Safiyah, God would never guide you on a path that is not for you.
Sometime we think God doesn't hear our prayers, moreover when we put all our heart in them. But he does, he just answers us a way we might not always understand. And what seems horrible to bear is really for the best for us.
I feel your pain so remember you are in my prayers. Take care of yourself.
Hi Dear,
Your problem is simple,
You love the created and not the creator!
I had the same story only worse, I had his baby and he still left!
I will write to you personally. Please give me an email and I will write you and tell you what to do.
Ms. Anonynous
hi Ms. Anonymous,
if you wish to contact me, please click on my profile and then on the left handside there is a 'contact' button.
thanks :)
It will be next week as I am extremely busy, but I think it needs to be heard and said.
Ms. Anonymous
it seems like you were only interesting in being muslim for the sake of a guy.
Correct me if I am wrong about the conclusion I have come to.
you missed the point entirely. i was introduced to islam through my ex-bf but we both agreed that the only reason i should become a muslim is my own conviction.
thanks for stopping by!
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